Jean-Claude Van Damme Knows How To Charm The Ladies
There was a time when some of us would gladly put our buttes up in the air for Jean-Claude Van Damme, but nowadays we’d only raise our butts to fart in his fug face. His FACE! He looks like the bastard love child of the Hunchback of Notre Dame and a downsy iguana. Jean-Claude still thinks he’s got the sh*t, because he’s still shamelessly hitting on girls old enough to be his daughter. Jean-Claude is infamous for being a manwhore who can’t keep his cheesy peen in his surfer pants, so it’s no surprise that he hit on a 22-year-old reporter from Newsweek during an interview.
Sarah Ball talked to 48-year-old Jean-Claude about his new movie “JCVD” and the conversation quickly turned creepy. Oh and JC is currently married to wifey #5:
Beautiful? Why?
I really opened myself up in “JCVD.” I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.OK —
It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.Well, I —
Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman. Being naked of protection.So you’ve no regrets at all?
Believe me—I’ve done very good stuff and very crazy stuff, and I don’t regret the crazy stuff. So are you in New York?Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?I ‘m 22.
Oh, f**k. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?I don’t know. When is it?
I don’t know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?Uh —
You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.
Jean-Claude forgot to say one very important thing. He forgot to say, “You are very elegant.” Did he not learn anything from Dimitri the Lover?!
With all that being said, I’d still put on a black dress, slip on some black high heels, peel the skin off of Jean-Claude’s fruit and cut his very hard seed. That sounds like some Lorena Bobbitt sh*t.
Brad Pitt Comes Face To Skype With A Bradaloonie
Brad Pitt and his pussy duster were on Oprah yesterday to promote that movie about a baby with pepaw face and during one part of the show, Oprah took questions from fans through Skype. Christina, a Bradaloonie for 17 years from Ontario, CA, called (Skyped?) in from her office to ask Brad about his tattoos. The crazy bisney wanted to know the details of his iceman and Daniel Pearl tattoos. Since Brad is such a private (HA!) person, he really didn’t want to tell her. He probably already signed a contract with W Magazine for a cover of all his tattoos with their meanings and sh*t. I love Cate Blanchett for asking Brad if he will show everyone his tattoos. What a bisney! Cate really knows how to add fuel to a Bradaloonie fire!
Christina wouldn’t let it go and finally said, “I know you’ve got one (a tattoo) on your tummy, don’t make me go there!” Oh, Christina. I’m sure you’ve gone there in your crazy head many, many times. Actually, I think she’s going there during this conversation! Show your hands at all times, Christina! Show em! I hear jelly being made. I know what’s going on!
I was seriously waiting for Christina to start showing all the Brad Pitt tattoos she has on her body. I don’t even want to know where her “Pitt’s Girl” tattoo is.
And I’m sure that 20-minutes after this interview, Maddox showed up to Christina’s door with a fresh restraining order in his hands.
VIA ONTD
It’s Almost Time To Say Goodbye….
The Live Feed Puppies are growing up! Why does this have to happen?! Why can’t somebody give them a cat cookie (puppies love that sh*t) that will make them puppies forever. Life is disappointing.
The puppies have outgrown their little box and now spend most of the day in their playpen. Because they are getting older, they play more and sleep much less. This is bittersweet. As much as I love watching them bite each other’s genitals, chew on each other’s ears and suffocate one another while screeching, this means they are going away soon to their new homes.
Apparently, the puppies will only be around for another 3 weeks or so. When the Live Feed Puppies leave our computer screens, the Internet must die! What’s the point of it existing anymore?
By the way, I’ve even come attached to their f**king puppy toys! That carrot is my favorite. OMG! Two of the puppies just attacked another puppy’s neck and it’s screaming like it’s being viciously murdered! Aww. How cute. My no-heart will be even emptier without them…..
If anybody knows the exact date these puppies are leaving our worlds, please hit me up . I need to organize some kind of liveblog/prayer circle for their last moments with us. Why do they have to leave? WHY GOD WHY?!
Jennifer Garner has her very own stalker (Aww…)
Jennifer Garner is a pretty smart mom. She’s read all the books and knows there’s one thing to definitely avoid during pregnancy: A crazed lunatic who claims to hear directly from God. (Sarah Palin?) Which is why she recently filed a restraining order against the man who’s been stalking her since 2002, according to Star:
In papers filed in Los Angeles Superior Court on Nov. 7, the mom-to-be asks for protection against Steven R. Burky, 36, who she alleges has “engaged in obsessive and harbutting behavior, posting about me on the Internet, sending me multiple packages and letters containing delusional and paranoid thoughts and following me around the country, through multiple states, to make contact with me.”
Jennifer’s sworn affidavit states that Burky has shown up at her private residence — where she lives with hubby Ben Affleck and their 2-year-old, Violet — and said that “God sent him a vision” that the actress would be persecuted in a way that could result in her death.
Why do stalkers always seem to have a sh*tload of frequent flier miles? This guy apparently followed Jennifer Garner “around the country, through multiple states.” Jesus. Do you know the last time I went on vacation? I was eight. And it wasn’t so much a vacation as my dad telling me that mowing the yard was this “Disney Land” all my friends were talking about. It wasn’t. But I did get bit by a snake and hallucinated Goofy stabbed him with the hedge clippers. Ha ha! That’s not how you give someone a handshake.
EDIT: Added a pic of Crazy Crazystein along with copies of some of the letters he sent Jennifer Garner. In case you want to make your own stalker letters at home with a friend.
Guy Ritchie declines Madonna’s money in divorce settlement
Guy Ritchie just poured tea, biscuits and poor dental hygiene all over Madonna’s claims that he’s a gold-digger. The British director has refused to accept a penny of her money in their divorce settlement with his only concern being the living arrangement of their children. The Daily Mail reports:
Although Ritchie, himself believed to be worth £30m, was entitled under English divorce law to as much as half of her wealth, sources suggest he has done a ‘Piper’ - a reference to Billie Piper, the actress who divorced the broadcaster Chris Evans without asking for anything.
The stumbling block in the split had been over where Ritchie and Madonna’s children will now live.
Madonna, 50, wished to take the children back to New York while Ritchie, 40, wanted to keep his sons in London, where they have grown up.
The source said a compromise had now been reached which will see the two boys - Rocco, eight, and three-year-old adopted David - dividing their time between Britain and the US.
Before everyone starts singing the praises of Guy Ritchie, his intentions are not entirely altruistic. C’mon, the dude’s smart. He knows you don’t steal a mummy’s gold without a scorpion ending up in your urethra. That’s science.
Paris Hilton & Benji Madden break up
Paris Hilton and Benji Madden officially threw in the towel yesterday, according to her rep. While Paris was recently spotted with her ex Stavros Niarchos over the weekend, friends say that had nothing to do with the breakup. Which I entirely believe based solely on the fact that Benji Madden looks like Uncle Fester: Hot Topic Edition. Us Magazine reports:
“Even though they are still in love, they felt it would be better to just be friends,” a source close to Hilton, 27, tells Us.
“Benji was overprotective and controlling. He doesn’t get along with any of her friends,” the source tells Us. “Friends thought Paris had changed since being with Benji and she wants to be herself again.”
The couple stayed faithful to each other, stresses the source. Hilton was spotted with her ex, shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, in Miami over the weekend, while Madden, 29, hung in NYC with his bro, Joel (beau of Hilton’s best friend, Nicole Richie).
“Nothing went on between Paris and Stav in Miami,” the source tells Us. “She was there for a girls weekend with her BFFs.”
Benji Madden must really be kicking himself now for breaking up with Sophie Monk. And by kicking himself I of course mean staring down his pants and crying “Please grow back, penis. I’ll be good! Honest.”
Mischa Barton, there’re some things you just don’t joke about
Mischa Barton recently launched her new website and in the clip above gave a nice little shout-out to yours truly. Mischa, I hope you didn’t just write a check your breasts can’t cash. No, seriously, my brother works for a collection agency.
UPDATE: If I call him at work again, he’s telling mom. Damn. You win this round, Mischa Barton. This round…
The Perfect Gift For John Travolta
I have so many questions about these moob holders from Japan. They have obviously been watching “Seinfeld.” It’s The Bro!
First of all, the dude in the ad doesn’t even want to wear one. He’s covering his chesticles in fear. Second of all, this is a fetish thing, right? Third of all, these are basically just women’s bras put on manly mannequins. Fourth of all, I really, really love the Japanese.
This sh*t is almost better than The Manpon!
Blind Items: I Guess….You Guess….
This B- list R&B singer just had her second abortion that her A list producer/singer boyfriend made her get. He says he doesn’t want anymore kids and that if she wants to be with him then she needs to stay childless. I don’t know if she is on birth control or not. I just know the details of what happened. She did get a nice $200,000 piece of bling after the first abortion. No word on what she got after this most recent one. (CDAN)
Ew. He should have bought her butt $100,000 in birth control pills and used the other $100,000 to buy his butt some condoms.
WHICH hit television show sidekick kicked an aspiring actress out of his cab after she refused to go to his apartment with him to “cuddle over milk and cookies”? (Page Six)
Dorota from “Gossip Girl”? Or Chuy from “The Chelsea Handler Show”? My one serious guess is Eric Mabius from “Ugly Betty”? And “milk and cookies” is not a delicious snack, right? It’s probably some nasty butt sex act.
WHICH talk-show host has a flatulence problem so bad, he’s said to have an buttistant follow him around with an odor-vaporizing spray can? (Page Six)
Jay Leno? He looks like he has the farts in a bad way.
Which globally acclaimed band is on the verge of splitting up because the egomaniacal frontman hogs all the limelight? (3am Girls)
Coldplay?
This celebrity made quite an impact on Celebrity Rehab. He was a real challenge for Dr Drew. He and his girlfriend were at a celebrity event when they happened to meet a man and his wife who were huge fans of the rehabbed performer. The couples started chatting and our rehab guy was so flattered that he invited the pair over for dinner. When the admiring couple arrived at the celebrity’s house they were startled to see large nude photos of the girlfriend hanging on the walls. The “rehabber” offered the visitors wine and an array of pills! The guests were horrified but before they could leave the celebrity invited them to strip down for a “sexy swing session.” The frightened pair ran off without getting a chance to tell the celebrity that the woman was an ordained minister! (Janet Charlton)
Never ever step inside Jeff Conaway’s house, unless you want to see a naked butt Vikki. And yes, that’s my guess.
I Forgot About Those Things
I feel like it’s been a while since Posh brought her medicine ball chichis out to play. They look harder than ever! Her steel ball chichis are two dangerous weapons.
When Posh accidentally bumps into the shower door in her bathroom, the whole things shatters. She walks into a wall and leaves a huge hole in the sheet rock. She hugs one of her boys and he gets the wind knocked out of him. Becks tried to titty f**k her once and he ended up in the ER with a broken boner. Her dress straps broke shortly after these pictures were taken.
Don’t ask me how her twig butt walks with those rock hard titties. Her spine must be made out of Tungsten.