“I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She’s not alone with implants.”

Karl pretty much called Adele a butterbody and everybody read it that way. But after everybody threw sh*t balls at Karl over that comment, he suddenly grew a heart even though we all know his maker ripped out of his heart in an alley way in Transylvania a thousand years ago.

Karl has returned to the scene of the crime, Metro, and said that his comment was taken out of context:

“I’d like to say to Adele that I am your biggest admirer. Sometimes when you take a sentence out of the article it changes the meaning of the thought. What I said was in relation to Lana Del Rey and the sentence has since been taken out of context from how it was originally published. I actually prefer Adele, she is my favorite singer and I am a great admirer of her. I lost over 30 kilos over 10 years ago and have kept it off. I know how it feels when the press is mean to you in regards to your appearance. Adele is a beautiful girl. She is the best. And I can’t wait for her next CD.”

Ghoul, please. Put it into context or take it out of context, it means the same thing. I know Kunty Karl has 500+ years on all of us (not counting those years during World War II where his cryogenically frozen body was kept in an underground tomb in Austria somewhere), but he needs to stop acting like we were born yesterday. Even newborns who were born yesterday know that his apology is made of sh*t. I don’t even know why Karl cares in the first place. Since when does the Dark Lord of the Undead respond to human emotions? If Kunty Karl is going to start caring about human feelings, then there’s really no hope for personkind. I’ll have to start calling him Karing Karl. The end of days, indeed.

That Michael McDonald meets Tummi Bear motherf**ker is Alex Rodan and he’s been Kris Jenner’s hairstylist for over 30 years. That explains why he has that “I’ve seen the crown of Lucifer” look in his eye. Some think that one night many years ago, Alex rose on his haunches, mounted Pimp Mama Kris and howled into the night sky as they made Khloe. They’ve all denied it. But that didn’t stop Kylie Jenner from pulling a stunt for show. Kylie Tweeted this weird-looking picture from a Kardashian family photo shoot today and then she quickly said she it was a joke.

Alex does have the same Berenstain Bears look that Khloe has, but if he was her real father the Kuntrashians wouldn’t announce it in a stupid Tweet. They’d announce it in a 20-page spread for All Bear Magazine, a 4-hour E! paternity test event sponsored by Alpo and an interview with People Pets.

When Eva Mendes gets back from humping on Ryan Gosling in Thailand, she better give your nana her “sweeping the porch on a Thursday morning” pajama pants back – Lainey Gossip

And Colin Hanks still does nothing to awaken my dead no-no – The Berry

Miley Cyrus is really committed to looking like lot lizard who just got dumped by her pimp for using all her ho money to buy chewing tobacco – The Superficial

You won’t believe this, but lingerie model Miranda Kerr is modeling lingerie again – Hollywood Tuna

Somehow the image of Charlize Theron and Chelsea Handler taking turns doing shots off of Chuy’s tits is just what my Wednesday afternoon needed – Celebisneyy

If I squint my eyes and push my head deeper into the gutter, Alessandra Ambrosio’s belly looks like a giant tit with a sausage head nipple – Popoholic

They tell me this is for 30 Rock, but Jim Carrey usually acts like this in real life - Just Jared

The Bourne Legacy trailer starring Donna Murphy from Murder One!!!!! – ICYDK

Is Amber Heard trying to bring one of Courtney Stodden’s Tweets to life in this picture? – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Never 4Get: Anna Nicole Smith (and Sugar Pie…..and Cousin Shelly) – Cityrag

Kanye West looking like a mourner at Tom of Finland’s funeral – Crunk + Disorderly

What is the green equivalent of blue balls? Does that mean he has gangrene of the nutsack? – SOW

I don’t know if that’s water, oil, kitchen grease or thick slobber from Falcor Rimes‘ mouth - I’m Not Obsessed

Does the Internet Troll Hunter take requests, because there’s a few trolls I’d like him to visit - The Daily What

Kristin Davis’ daughter must have just watched the first five minutes of SATC2 – Popsugar

f**k those anti-gayers, it’s their loss since JcPenney has the most GLAMOROUS salon ever – Videogum

You can almost fap to the sexual tension on this cover. Just look at that Paul Wesley, staring deep into Ian Somerhalder’s adam’s apple like he wants to suck the core out of it. I see how Paul’s hand has temporarily made a stop on Nina Dobrev’s stomach before eventually making its way to Somerhalderville. I see how Ian is touching Nina’s face only so his elbow can hover near Paul’s fingers and feel the heat. (Yes, I write a lot of low-grade soft core in my spare time.) Nina needs to quietly slip out, tip toe to the kitchen and make us all popcorn so we can lounge on the bench in front of the bed and enjoy the show.

ONTD user enael read everybody’s minds and really made this cover (and f**k parts) pucker into tomorrow:

Now this sh*t is officially gold certified fap-worthy. I’d print it out, frame it with the gayed up True Blood Rolling Stone cover and hang both of them in front of my toilet, but fapping while making a caca is even too gross for me.

The rest of the pictures in EW are kind of hilarious. That Paul dude is Zoolandering for his life and most of these look like publicity stills a Straight Guys for Gay Eyes porn.

There’s really no safe place but the pink triangle for my eyeballs to land. That floating alien CaCa head is making the Three Wolf Moon wish they were mute and that castle is a direct threat to my childhood since it’s reminding me of Castle Grayskull. If CaCa wanted to out-fug her “Born This Way” album cover, she didn’t need to bring He-Man or the Three Wolf Moon into it.

via Twitter (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

Welcome to a Hump Day Edition of The Crap We Missed where against all precedents Tara Reids‘s torso is in a see-through shirt that doesn’t make me want to sprint into traffic, Ashanti almost plays Peek-A-Boo: Britney Spears Edition on the red carpet and Denzel Washington shows Ryan Reynolds what he would have totally been Read More …

And Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. Did I not mention that? I entirely forgot Ke$ha was still a thing, but apparently Glamour didn’t because here she is talking to them about devouring men after she mates and/or making them wear giant cock costumes for her amusement. So basically she’s a really, really sh*tty Read More …

Apparently Taylor Swift was dating some dude Eddie Redmayne with the keyword being “was” because apparently he’s already given her the ol’ John Mayer/Jake Gyllenhaal/Joe Jonas heave-ho. So good news if you’re a fan of her music. Via Hollywood Life: Taylor and British actor Eddie Redmayne met when she auditioned to play Eponine in Les Read More …