Look Who’s Blogging….
Personally, I’d rather Kim Zolciak’s gutter wig start its own blog, because it holds so many secrets. But I’ll gladly settle for Kim’s blog. Her first post is pretty damn entertaining. She just happened to run into these pictures of her at the beach. I mean, she magically found the pictures of her at the beach while she was at the beach? I’m confuseded. That’s probably how she found her trusted wig friend too. She was walking along the beach in the Bahamas and spotted a pack of rabid dogs attacking the tortured thing. Since Kim has such a giving heart, she took pity on the wig and now the two are inseparable.
Speaking of her wig friend, she is a brave bisney for getting that close to the ocean. I’m sure the lifeguards warned her that the sharks will mistake her wig for a lame seal and try to eat that sh*t!
Anybisneyisbeat, I can’t wait for the future gems Kim’s blog will bring us. We can now enjoy Kim’s f**kery all year long!
I also had to read the comments on this sh*t, because I knew they would make me laugh until I farted. This is my favorite one and only because they quoted my favorite song at the moment:
You need to go back to your Chili’s clinic and get your saggy ta-ta’s lifted. There’s a tightrope…
There’s a tightrope!
AND it’s pretty poignant that her upcoming appearances section is “coming soon.” Story of her life!
(Thanks Angela)
La Pequeña Brit Brit Is Finally Here!
This is what I’ve been waiting for! La Pequeña Brit Brit was on my short list along with La Pequeña Spaghetti Cat and La Pequeña Charo. Hearing La Pequeña say “coochie coochie” would make my butt-cooch go into seizures.
La Pequeña went vintage Brit Brit by bumping it to “Baby One More Time” with some help by a couple of dudes called SomePatrolMen. Sadly, Machine didn’t make a cameo as Chester Cheetah.
Yes, this sh*t is more of La Pequeña humping walls and popping our goose pimples with her “I eat fetuses” grin, but she’s wearing little puffies in her hair! And she kept her crotch berries to herself this time. But only this time!
(Thanks osobuco)
Katie Holmes Is Not Keeping NYC Alive!
If Tommy Girl was your official woman, there’s only two ways you would spend your days: crying and shopping. Katie must be doing a lot of the former while she’s in NYC. That’s what Page Six Magazine (via Telegraph) claims anyway. They say since Katie landed in New York last July, she’s only taken around $14 million from Tommy’s butt plug fund and has spent.
Apparently, most of the money was spent on real estate. They bought three extra apartments in the building they live in. Two are for Tommy’s ego and the other is for Katie’s tears.
Some source said Katie also spent $13,987 on Suri’s slaves, $7,000 on gym crap, $7,315 on food and $17,000 on rags for her and Suri in six months.
All these numbers seem kind of low ball to me, but now that I think about it, it makes sense. 7 grand may not seem like much for food, but Katie only eats dried-up barley flakes and Tommy nibbles on her soul whenever he gets hungry. And $14k on child care for Suri also seems kind of low budget, but I don’t think we can see most of Suri’s slaves. Thetans can make themselves invisible-like. Besides, Suri doesn’t need them around that often since she spends most of her time looking after Katie. The $7k they spent on gym crap was only for Tommy’s vibrating dirt star slimmer.
It’s the $17k that seems way off! There’s no way any of Katie’s sh*t rags come from anywhere but the “$1 for 1 pound” pile at the Salvation Army. That said, Katie needs to spend more! If she’s going to terrorize NYC with her weepy zombie face, she better start dropping more alien dollars.
Here’s cheap butt Katie with Suri doing things in NYC yesterday.
Hello Dolly (And Charlie)!
Becky Romjin and Jerry O’Connell have continued the celebwhore trend of giving their babies woodland creature names.
Becky gave birth to twin girls on December 28th. Becky and Jerry weren’t telling jokes when they said they would name one of their kids Dolly after Dolly Parton. They named one of their girls Dolly Rebecca Rose and the other Charlie Tamara Tulip. Yes, Dolly Rose and Charlie Tulip! I bet they can already play a banjo made out of fish gills, wear the f**k out of a bonnet and dance a jig. Beatrix Potter would be so proud!
Seriously, I don’t mind the name Dolly……..for a cat, a big-tittied legend, a cloned sheep or a sbutt-talking chipmunk. But not for a baby friend!
And Bronx Mowgli is still shaking his fist in the air, because his place as the poor child with the fugliest baby name is secure!
Source: People
Hot Slut Of The Week: Ian Golder, Mac & Cheese’s #1 Lovah
Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: Ian Golder
Original Date of HS of the Day: January 3, 2009
Claim to Fame: Ian is the expert of all experts when it comes to boxed mac and cheese. Watching him talk about that sh*t is like watching me talk about peen. He’s so intense and serious-like about it!
Where is he now? Probably finding legal ways to marry a box of mac and cheese.
Why is he HS of the Week? Because anybody who creams (it’s the cheesiest) their panties this much over processed cheese, deserves this accolade. And also because I went to his website. I am fascinated. I learned so much about him. He also gets a boner for cereal, he has a dog named Goulash, he’s the only person who still uses Geocities to host their website and one of his favorite restaurants in Sacramento is called Pancake Circus. That latter tidbit sealed the deal.
I also learned that some whores eat boxed mac and cheese with sugar and cinnamon. People are really f**king sick!
Birthday Sluts
Steven Cojocaru (44)
Amanda Hearst (25)
January Jones (31)
Kylie Bax (34)
Bradley Cooper (34)
Marilyn Manson (40)
Carrie Ann Inaba (41)
Vinnie Jones (44)
Suzy Amis (47)
Pamela Sue Martin (56)
Ted Lange (61)
Diane Keaton (63)
Charlie Rose (67)
Robert Duvall (78)
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Nikki aka DJ Lady Tribe aka Scary Spicy (that’s what the Brazilian chick calls her) from Rock of Love Bus! - I knew I would fall madly in love with this troll-muppet-creature-slut-thing. If Daisy from Rock of Love 2 grew a penis and f**ked Bobby Trendy in his vagina, getting him pregnant, Nikki would pop out of his butt. Below is Nikki’s rap song for Bret. Of course, she read her lyrics off of Herpes and Gonorrhea instruction sheets. Naturally. That’s a must if you’re going to be Rock of Love. Your vagina has to be tainted in someway. Vh1 wants you to fit in with all the other skanks. I was more shocked that Nikki could read! I really do love her. Why she so elegant?
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 2nd!
ATTTTCCCHHHOOOOOOOOO!! What the…..? - El Bastardo
Runners-up:
So easy, even a caveman’s freckled home-schooled second cousin could do it. - Stoney
You know you’re officially considered a loser when a pack of 4 inch lizards think they can take you on… - moistiest
Paris Hilton’s crotch critters attack the Rite Aid checkout boy. - Dr. Funk
Thanks Mark
Why Waste The Wine?!
Last night, the promised epic fight between Sharon Osbourne and that fatty faced Megan went down on Crack Rock Charm School Reunion. This was the fight that landed Megan in the hospital claiming Sharon done pulled her weave out leaving bald spots. Megan also filed a police report. Vh1 didn’t show the hardcore goods, because a million security officers covered the fun. I mean, how many dudes does it take to tear apart a dumb whore and an old bisney?
But what they did show was pretty awesome. Sharon sort of started it by saying Megan should get her lady parts fixed so that she can’t spawn any lil’ bikini-wearing whores. The truth hurts like two hard dicks going in your butt without lube. Megan fought back by telling Sharon she’s only famous for managing a decrepit rock star with worm meat brains. At first, Sharon laughed it off, then she did a little cough-act and poured her cup of wine all over Megan’s skeeze body. Megan looked like the dirty maxi pad she truly is. Usually I cry when people waste the booze, but this was worth it.
Megan was pretty f**king tanked, so I don’t understand why she didn’t open up her alki-hole and drink up all of that wine being poured on her! Don’t let it fall everywhere! What kind of drunk slut is she?! If I was Megan, I would’ve been sucking the booze out of my weave while Sharon was punching me in the dough face. The booze is more important!
It also sounded like the audience was screaming “Jerry” instead of “Sharon.” Screaming Jerry would have been more appropriate.
And the next time you get into some fight with a dumb bisney, handle it like a real charming lady and throw your choice beverage in her fat boy face! That’s what Headmaster Sharon recommends!
Click here if you can’t see the sh*t above.
Dumb Dumb Madam Rates Celebrities’ Ho Value
Kristin Billie Davis is the ho that I briefly fell in love with during that whole Spitzer drama. She sold top shelf poon through her Wicked Models escort service. Spitz was one of her clients. Kristin pleaded guilty to selling whores back in October. While she’s waiting to be sentenced, 32-year-old (cough, HACK, choke) Kristin shared her pro-ho skills with Steppin’ Out Magazine (via Gawker) by saying how much Brit Brit, Sarah Palin, Wonky McValtrex and others would make if they sold their butt for her.
It’s hard for me to listen to a creature who looks like she hasn’t been exposed to natural light since the early 90s for fear that the sun might turn her into a puddle of silicone.
Kristin’s buttessment is totally WTF-ish. This dumb whore makes no sense. I mean, she says Katie Holmes could make up to $3,000 an hour, because she has that “girl next door” look. Yeah, if you live next to a methadone clinic for snails. Has this plastic moron seen Katie Holmes lately?! Kristin also thinks Brit Brit’s chitterling pie could sell for about a grand. And if she didn’t lose her brains, she could get $2,000.
I don’t know why Wonky McValtrex is even included. That bisney is already handing out her broke down snatch for the bargain basement price of $0. The dumb f**ks who hit that sh*t are the ones who pay the price by receiving a standing appointment to the free clinic.
I wish they would’ve asked her how much The Empress of Lucite would cost for an hour of f**ky times. Kristin’s Tupperware tittays (that’s what she thinks with) would have exploded from trying to put a price on Shauna Sand’s priceless lucite flower.
Kristin’s entire list with her comments is after the jump. Warning. You might be offended and your outer (or inner) vagina will probably weep over this f**kery. JUMP!!!!