The Perfect Gift For John Travolta
I have so many questions about these moob holders from Japan. They have obviously been watching “Seinfeld.” It’s The Bro!
First of all, the dude in the ad doesn’t even want to wear one. He’s covering his chesticles in fear. Second of all, this is a fetish thing, right? Third of all, these are basically just women’s bras put on manly mannequins. Fourth of all, I really, really love the Japanese.
This sh*t is almost better than The Manpon!
Trouble In Gayelle Paradise
HoHan and SamRo got into a fight in London last night over a big dick named Calum Best. That’s what The Sun claims anyway. HoHan used to rub her worn-out kitty all over Calum’s Gouda peen and the two met up again at a club. A source said HoHan and Calum danced together which made SamRo one angry lezzie. HoHan and SamRo apparently started fighting which ended in both of them leaving the club.
They got into the car together, but when they arrived back at their hotel, SamRo stormed off in a cloud of saw dust. You know, because lezzies like wood working and stuff. Yeah, the joke doesn’t really work if I have to explain it in detail. Just give me an endearing look and continue eating your panini.
HoHan stayed behind in the car for around 10-minutes. One source said, “It was quite clear something was up. Lindsay had tears in her eyes as she left.”
Okay, you know sh*t is bad when you’re fighting about Calum Best! The douche isn’t even hot when you look at him upside down while jacking it. Almost everyone is hot when your head and genitals are fighting for blood flow. Don’t look at me that way!
Here’s more of the weepy maybe bi-sexual last night. Wait. Is Calum Best wearing fur?! Where’s that crazy French flour bomber when you need her?
The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 19th!
Afternoon Crumbs
Eva LongWhoria is wearing her Spanx wrong. They really should be worn over her face!- Hollywood Tuna
Jenny Aniston and Gerry Butler are together, but not in that way - Just Jared
Marky Mark hates Scientology - Lainey Gossip
These bisneyes want to make pole dancing an Olympic sport (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Jennifer Ellison takes staged candid pictures to the next level - Egotastic!
The dudes at the “Milk” premiere forgot to shave - Popsugar
Robert Pattinson talks about gay relationships - Towleroad
Megan Fox is pretty, David Silver not so much - IDLYITW
Enrique Iglesias got kicked out - Hollywood Rag
Who’s the Camel Toe Queen? - Cityrag
What Was Wrong With The Original Wino?
The Original Wino was on a flight from Los Angeles to London when she got sick on the flight and needed some kind of medical attention. She probably ate the fish. Don’t eat the fish.
Wino was sick enough for the pilot to ask for priority landing into Heathrow. When they arrived, medical bisneyes met her at the gate and immediately transported her ill butt to the hospital.
Her spokeswhore said this sh*t: “She did fall ill on a flight and as a precautionary measure, was taken to a hospital. She was there maybe an hour and was released. The bottom line is she is in good health.”
Hmmm….let’s go through the “Why was Wino Sick” checklist: Diarrhea? Naw. She watched “Autumn in New York” on the flight? Naw. The klepto in her made her swallow the first-clbutt napkins? Possibly. Too many dolls? Ding ding ding!
Wait. Does customs and the drug dogs check your butt when you have to be taken to the hospital directly from the gate? The Original Wino is a genius drug mule!
Suri Cruise Named "Hottest Celebrity Tot"
And that’s exactly what Suri Cruise thinks of this sh*t! Forbes.com came out with their second annual “Hollywood’s 10 Hottest Tots” list and Suri came out on top. I think Pedo Bear co-sponsored this sh*t. I mean, “hottest“? Maybe they are referring to the fact that Suri’s never wearing a jacket, so she must be hot literally. Unfortunately, that’s not what they mean.
Forbes came up with their list by looking at each celebrity kid and how much media attention they get. Suri beat out all the Jolie-Pitt messiahs, because she was in more magazines and blogs than them. Only 3 out of the ten thousand Brangelina deities made the list: Shiloh, Pax and Zahara. Forbes will probably be shut down by the “powers above” next week for not including Brangelina’s golden twins on that list.
Here’s the Top 10:
1. Suri Cruise (daughter of Katie Holmes and
Chris KleinTommy Girl)
2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (you know who her parents are)
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt (see above)
4. Pax Jolie-Pitt (see above)
5. Sam Alexis-Woods (daughter of Tiger Woods)
6. Cruz Beckham (son of Posh & Becks)
7. Matilda Rose Ledger (daughter of Michelle Williams & Heath Ledger)
8. David Banda (son of Vadge & Guy Ritchie)
9. SPF (son of Brit Brit & KFed)
10. Sam Sheen (daughter of Denise Richards & Charlie Sheen)
I can’t wait for Forbes annual Sexiest Celebrity Fetuses list!
Thanks Heather
Everybody Into Quarantine!
Wonky McValtrex and Benji Madden are reportedly no longer bumping butt warts which means they are out in the wild spreading their skank! While we’re running for quarantine shelters, the bisneyes who make Valtrex are having a fun time parade! Their #1 converter is going back to work!
According to Star Magazine, Wonky quit Benji because he’s too-controlling. When he found out that she was being gross with Nachos in Miami, he freaked out at her. Benji totally did the “smell the puss” test on her.
The source said, “She couldn’t take his overbearing ways anymore. It was stressing her out. He can be very aggressive and he was just too much trouble. She felt she couldn’t cut loose and party. He doesn’t drink and doesn’t think she should either. She felt too fenced in.“
I think in Wonky-talk “fenced in” means that Benji wouldn’t let other dudes space dock her.
Benji apparently is herpmatized, because he wanted a second chance from Wonky. “He fought for a second chance and asked if they could talk it out but Paris said she was done talking.” That’s because she probably already lined up two dozen rebound dicks.
You know that somewhere in the world Nicole Richie is eating her one chickpea lunch and screaming “Halleljuah” because she doesn’t have to see Wonky’s skank butt face at Madden gatherings anymore. It was bad enough that she had to play fake nice with her for the cameras.
Jennifer Garner Has A Crazy Stalker
Some dude with crazy running through his veins has been stalking and harbutting Jennifer Garner since 2002. It’s gotten so bad that Jennifer is afraid for the safety of herself and her family. She already has a restraining order against him, but her lawyers will go into court tomorrow and ask a judge to make it permanent.
TMZ got a hold of some documents that state her stalker Steven Burky follows her around the country, sends her creepy love letters and writes about her on the Internet. He once showed up on her front door and said, “God has sent him a vision of her being persecuted in some manner that may result in her death.”
Jennifer said in the papers, “I now fear not only for my personal safety, but also for the safety and well-being of those that I love and care about most, including my husband and daughter. Also, I am currently pregnant and fear for the safety of my second child once born.“
The LAPD is involved in the case. Sources tell TMZ that Seven Burky is currently under a 5150 psychiatric hold.
Jennifer Garner is one of the few boring oatmeal people that I actually don’t mind. It’s weird. Whenever I watch her in interviews, I try to say something bisneyy, but the words don’t come out of my mouth! And when I see her smile, I smile and that just makes me want to go take an Epsom salt bath.
Because I do like Jennifer Garner, I will do her a favor and legally change my name to “Jennifer Garner.” We can trick her stalker into thinking I’m the real Jennifer Garner, so he can leave her alone for good. He’s crazy. He won’t know the difference. He’s also kind of hot. Well, he is! Although, he will have to change the tone of his love letters. I just read a few of them on TMZ and he’s going to need to write less about “visions” and more about dirty sexy things.
Stoned, Slow Or Just Naturally Annoying?
Yesterday on her show, Ellen Degeneres asked prostitot chipmunk Miley Cyrus about her 20-year-old boyfriend and the topic made Disney’s favorite whore erupt into an annoying seizure of giggles. You can tell Ellen wanted to hit her over the head with her strap-on. I would’ve held her down for Ellen. Miley’s laugh can f**king grate cheese.
Has Miley been sharing a can of computer dust with that hot bisney Allison from “Intervention”? I was expecting Miley to bob her head and say, “It’s like I’m walkeeeen on suuunnshine.”
Thanks Galina
Valkyrie Is A Comedy!
Tommy Girl gives the comedic performance of the year in “Valkyrie” according to some hos who have already seen it. The movie has already been pushed back a few times, but now it’s set to come out the day after Christmas. Merry Christmas! Let’s watch some sh*t show about Nazis starring the last bisney I want to spend the holidays with.
A few people who have seen the movie told MSNBC’s The Scoop that everyone in the theater uncomfortably laughed at Tommy Girl’s performance. Once scene features Tommy Girl trying to do the Heil Hitler salute. “It’s an unsettling scene but you almost start to laugh. His character is resisting it but you never forget it’s Tom Cruise saying ‘Heil Hitler.’ It’s funny and shocking at the same time.” You know while Tommy was trying to do the salute, he had to clench his hungry hole so that his other hand didn’t come up to complete the “A” in Y.M.C.A.
Another ho said that Tommy only does a German accent at the beginning of the movie, “The film just isn’t a thriller at all. It’s a bunch of white guys in Nazi uniforms. It’s too bad. And Tom doesn’t speak with a German accent — though they did add a voiceover of him speaking German to the beginning of the film. Still, it’s as if he could say ‘I complete you’ at any time. This is not his Oscar moment.” I’m surprised that Tommy didn’t do a German accent. I hear he does a FIERCE Marlene Dietrich impersonation!
Johnny Travolta better start lubing up his hand, because he’s going to need to give Tommy Girl a consoling fist f**k when this movie fails in an epic way at the box office.