A bear trap, a sloth with a drinking problem, a Skee-Ball ball, the animatronic Abraham Lincoln from Disneyland, a pigeon skeleton, a cardboard cutout of the It Clown, Donatella Versace, John Travolta’s weekday wig, the creepy girl at the groomers who told me my dog has nice legs, an empty can of Tab, the broken Sleep ‘N Snore Ernie in my childhood bedroom closet, Blue Ivy Carter, green ivy (the plant), a skunk’s nose hair and a pack of wolves in sheep’s clothing are all things I’d let my hold my baby before I’d let White Oprah hold my baby.

Either somebody disagrees with me or they asked all those things to hold their baby and all those things were busy doing other stuff. Because today at The Grove in L.A., Lindsay Lohan’s pimp mom held an actual living, breathing human baby being without the supervision of several government agencies. I don’t know if White Oprah knows that baby or she just randomly picked that baby up, but I find it really strange that a plainclothes Child Protective Services agent didn’t immediately tackle her to the ground while another agent grabbed the baby. Shouldn’t CPS be tailing her at all times?

On a positive note, if I was a baby, I’d want White Oprah to hold me too. White Oprah’s breath is 100 proof and the sh*ttiest thing about being a baby is that you can’t buy your own booze.

As of yesterday, John Doe #1 hired master limousine chaser Gloria Allred to be his new attorney and help him decide whether or not he’s going re-file his lawsuit against John Travolta for giving him a hernia test without asking. Since then, a lot more foolery has come flying out and let’s get to it so we can exhale before another batch of foolery comes flying out. I swear, I hope Tommy Girl and his Scientology chorus boys re-enact all of this at the church holiday pageant, because this is drama.

John Doe #2 has dropped his lawyer and picked up Gloria Allred too – Just like John Doe #1, John Doe #2 withdrew his $2 million lawsuit against John Travolta this morning and immediately hired Gloria Allred. John Doe #2′s the mbuttage therapist at that fancy resort in Atlanta who claims John’s anus hole practically tried to eat his finger off. Gloria tells People that they plan to file the lawsuit in another court.

John Travolta’s lawyer is shaking his head no to the rumors that they’re paying bisneyes off - John Doe #2′s first lawyer said that John Travolta could make everything go away if he simply slipped them $250,000. But John’s lawyer Marty Singer tells TMZ that they will never pay a cent and will never settle. Well, I say why should John pull the wad of cash out of his titty cleavage to pay those dudes off when he can get his Scientology bisneyes to put the spook in them? Those Scientology crazies will haunt John Doe #1 and John Doe #2 forever. I’m pretty sure that creepy bisney with split ends in The Grudge was a Scientologist.

John Travolta tried to put a hickey on Kenickie’s dickey – Remember Jeff Conway’s beyond crazy fiancee Vikki Lizzi? Vikki tells The National Enquirer (via P6) that when Jeff tried to off himself in 2006, he wrote a suicide note where he claimed that John Travolta sucked him off while he was pbutted out one night in the 90s. The note went something like, “Life is an ugly thing and I realized this when I woke up and had Travolta’s saliva all over my peen. Goodbye cruel world!”

Vikki says that after Jeff caught Travolta sucking on his peen in his sleep, their friendship ended. Jeff also told Vikki that Kelly Preston knows John’s butt hole gets hungry for peen and she’s okay with it. Kelly is John’s happily wedded beard and even signed some sort of contract.

And finally for the grand finale! John Travolta released this Mother’s Day video card to Kelly Preston and loooooord this is the most subtle act of damage control I’ve ever seen. Nothing says “I love my wife’s vagina” like a Power Point presentation. Even Tommy Girl’s couch jumping theatrics weren’t this obvious.

And the best part is that he used a Barbra Streisand song. If that isn’t an official coming out announcement, then I really don’t know what is.

In the late 00?s, his face was starting to sag and lose its elasticity. His face pretty much fluttered in the breeze as he ran. He had lines around his eyes and bags under them.

Now, frankly, this is not a big deal. All faces age. Really! But this ego maniacal liar wants you to believe that he is no mere mortal, and that his looks are all natural because he lives such an extraordinary life. That’s right, People! He’s not like you! He works hard to stay young! He has never had plastic surgery and never will! Or so he claims.

Here’s the truth: He had a nose job when he was in his teens (he had the bridge thinned out). He had his teeth completely redone (although we wouldn’t include teeth in the plastic surgery category). He had his eyeballs replaced. He had a mid-section face lift and lower blepharoplasty (eye job) around 2009. He is currently holding off on upper eye work (because that would drastically change his look). Now he just has regular injections of Botox and Restylane to freeze things up and plump them out. Hey, it’s good work, he doesn’t look “done”, and his face settled in nicely six months after the plastic surgery. But it’s still plastic surgery. And he is still a liar. (Blind Gossip)

Tommy Girl? Exhibit: EVERYTHING.

But I resent this blind item! Tommy is as honest as he is heterosexual. Tommy would rather put his lips on the taint of the hired Scientology man slave that comes to tuck his no-no in every night than tell a lie. Tommy’s almost wrinkle-free face comes from years of not being glib, and he tells Stepford Katie to randomly flash her chocha at him when he least expects it. It makes his face skin jump up. It’s a natural face-lift! Don’t be jealous of Tommy’s natural beauty.

Which former A-lister and Hollywood womanizer – he supposedly sowed his wild oats before getting married and raising a family – hasn’t been that loyal? The Oscar winner has been having phone sex with a C-list celebrity for years behind his famous actress/wife’s back! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Warren Beatty as the A-lister and Stephanie Seymour as the C-list celebrity? I’m impressed that Warren is still f**king with his voice at the age of 75. Yes, I’m sure he falls asleep halfway through, but at least he tries.

This music group recently left their record label. They publicly announced that they had outgrown the label and were moving in a new direction. Everyone thanked each other for their years together and wished each other well in the future. Blah, blah, blah. Lies, lies, lies.

Do you want to know what really happened?

Well, the truth is that the music group was totally fired. Yes, fired!

The label had warned them numerous times that they needed to clean up their act. Their fans were drifting away because they were tired of their ridiculous faux relationships of all the members of the group, and the troubling, r*hab-worthy behavior of one of the members of the group (Member C). If they didn’t get their act together and start making music again – together – the label wasn’t interested in keeping them.

But the group and their manager had grown arrogant and lazy. They didn’t want to listen to the label that had made them into a success. They weren’t interested in creating music as a group or touring anymore. They just wanted the fame and the money that their very greedy and very controlling manager convinced them that they deserved – just for being them!

So Member A left to try another solo venture. That venture – which had been successful up until the time Member A joined – had to shut down when he couldn’t bring in an audience. Over a hundred people lost their jobs. And his fakey fake relationship with an older woman simply annoyed everyone, especially his former fans. He’s in a new fake relationship now.

Member B lost all control over his own life. He let his manager set him up in a fake marriage and is now letting his wife dictate his next ridiculous gig (which is designed to promote her, not him).

Member C wanted to do a solo album in between drinking binges. The label advised him against it because there had been a backlash from fans after one of his faux relationships. He did the album anyway. It bombed. He blamed the label.

That was the final straw. The label fired all of them. They practically gave them their songs back. Anything to get them out the door as fast as possible and completely sever ties with them and their idiotic manager. Good riddance. (Blind Gossip)

Nick Jonas, Kevin Jonas and Joe Jonas. Done.

via Evil Milk

The pieces of Magic Mike cover Entertainment Weekly and I’m mostly here for Joe ManJello’s glorious “These are my bisneyes!” pose – The Berry

Prince Hot Ginge and that other one have only nice things to say about their grandma, and I’m sure that has nothing to do with her standing behind the camera threatening to slap them with her weapon of choice (aka her pocketbook) if they got sbutty – Lainey Gossip

What happens when the influence of Katie Price and Brit Brit’s pantyhose catsuit from the Toxic video get together – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Gross is Petra Nemcova going back for a second serving of Sean Penn – Celebisneyy

T.I. is whatever about gay marriage – Towleroad

For the zero of you that haven’t seen Jenny McCarthy naked as naked can be yet – The Superficial

Katie Price’s weave looks like the aftermath of a messy battle between a horse tail and a bottle of Sun-In – Hollywood Tuna

Full of Nguyen! – The Daily What

Kristen Stewart’s dress would make a perfect sofa throw – ICYDK

Nicole Scherminger does the Angelina – Popoholic

The Texas T-Rex didn’t use an butt double – The Frisky

We call it “going to the museum” but Angie and Brad’s rich buttes probably call it “shopping for powder room art” – Popsugar

Okay, Sheree… – Crunk + Disorderly

Jane Fonda > the rest of these hos – Just Jared

Abe Vigoda will outlive us all – SOW

Follow-up post: Dogs with diarrhea – Cityrag

A Check is a check: Joey Lawrence is now a Chippendale - Hollywood Rag

Man Candles brought to you by the store and catalog company that fills your nostrils with the scent of baked goods, flower farts and fresh laundry. Yankee Candles is now trying to lure in dudes with their new line of Mandles that includes scents like “Riding Mower,” “First Down,” “2 X 4″ and “Man Town.”  Doesn’t John Travolta’s b-hole already own the trademark for the name “Man Town“? I smell a lawsuit in a candle jar. Make that TWO lawsuits.

I totally get that the manliest manly men of Man Town will never buy a candle that smells like freshly baked cookies since it’ll turn them into a woman (obviously), but those kind of dudes will never buy a candle no matter what it smells like. So Yankee Candle is doing this all wrong and should change everything. I mean, “Riding Mower“? Didn’t The Gap do the “fresh cut grbutt” scent centuries ago? “2 X 4″? That sounds like the Small Penis Society’s official scent.

If YC really wants their Mandles to sell, they need the following scents: “Dirty Jockstrap Hanging Over a Locker Room Bench,” “Cum Rag,” “Sweaty Armpit in August,” “Glory Hole Delights,” “Tea Bagging” and “Salad Tosser Breath.“

Just think of all the money Yankee Candles would make from all the dirty dudes who type “worn used athletic socks” in the eBay search bar. Try again, YC!

(Thanks, Simon and Lee) 

Much to Pimp Mama Kris’ delight, Rob Kardashian finally gets with the program. – OurMissC

Runners-up:

Thor’s lesser known little brother: Whor. - Boogie Boo

So now you can stop wondering what Jermey Piven as been up to since the end of Entourage. – sadpants12

*Whistling* “I’m just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual Transelvan . . . wait, what the f**k street am I on?” – Drummeroffifteentoms

via Poorly Dressed

Two world-renowned f**kery makers joined forces yesterday when Media Takeout reported that The National Enquirer is reporting that Bill Cosby’s granddaughter and brow-challenged Raven Symone is scissoring it up with AzMarie from America’s Next Top Model: British Invasion. The Enquirer says that the “That’s” in That’s So Raven stands for Raven having no f**ks to give over her family freaking out about this. Raven is in love, doesn’t care if anybody knows she loves labia and is close to waving her flannel flag in the air. AzMarie has moved into the $11,000 a month apartment that Raven is staying in while she stars in Sister Act on Broadway. The source put it like this:

“She’s at a point now where she doesn’t care what her family thinks, and she’s in love with AzMarie. She’s a lesbian and wants to live that way. She feels her parents are still trying to treat her like she’s a kid, and she’s told them she’s going to do what she wants.

Raven has hidden being gay for a long time now.But about a year ago, she was introduced by a friend to AzMarie, who is absolutely gorgeous. The two began see­ing each other, and a few months ago, Raven finally got the nerve to ask her to move into her lavish Manhattan condo. When her family found out, they blew their stack and it’s created a gay scandal for Raven. She told her parents she loves them, but her home – especially her bedroom – is nobody’s business, and she was not going to back down, so they needed to accept it, period.”

A gay scandal is always the best kind of scandal. Who knows if this is true, but if it is then I’m into this couple. They’re like the lesbian Amber Rose and Kanye but 100% less annoying. AzMarie and Raven both know the importance of a perfect eyebrow situation and their couple name would be AzRave, which sounds like my kind of rave. (I mean, a rave full of adzes? Yes!) But I still won’t fully believe this until Raven comes zooming out of the closet on a Segway with AzMarie sitting in a Segway side car next to her.

I think I just broke the record for the most “What the….?”s shouted out at in ten seconds when I read at TMZ that the Queen of Disco Donna Summer has twirled up to heaven at the young age of 63. TMZ says that Donna was privately battling cancer and didn’t want the public to know about it. None of this has been confirmed by Donna’s family or rep yet.

UPDATE: Donna’s family confirmed that she pbutted away late last night in Florida. They says that they “are at peace celebrating her extraordinary life and her continue legacy.” Many people close to Donna are as shocked everyone else. Donna was in the middle of recording a new album and as of two weeks ago she seemed fine. TMZ also says that Donna had lung cancer and believes she got it from breathing in toxic particles after the World Trade Center attack.

This is just sad and if another disco ball never spins again, I’ll be okay with that. I was going to list all of Donna’s hits that helped to define disco, but instead I’m going to tell you to think of all the songs you twerked your nalgas during 70s night at a gay club. Also, think of the song that they play at the end of every wedding you’ve ever been to. That’s your list right there.

Donna is survived by her husband Bruce Sudano and her three daughters.

Rest in peace, Miss LaDonna.

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