This Pepaw Really Hates His Lawn Mower
When something in your house breaks, a normal person would kick it or call it a “stupid person.” Not Keith Walendowski from Milwaukee. When his lawn mower didn’t start, he shot the bisney. You know he probably yelled, “Godamn stupid f**king lawn damn f**king mower!” when he shot at it.
One of Keith’s lady friends, who lives with him, called the po po and got her old man arrested. What a bisney! He was probably interrupting her favorite “Mama’s Family” re-run.
Keith was arrested and charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed. When asked why he shot the lawn mower, he said (read this with a raspy slur) “I can do that, it’s my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want.” Pepaw has a point.
Keefs (that’s probably what his friends call him because they are all drunks) faces up to an $11,000 fine and six years and three months in prison if convicted.
Keef’s lady friend also told the police he was drunk at the time. You f**king think? Just from looking at his mug shot, I can smell the mixture of Early Times whiskey and Pall Malls.
That being said, I wouldn’t hit it. Shocking, eh? Okay, I’m lying. I totally would if he shared some of his Early Times with me.
Thanks Carol Ann
Baby Levi Strauss Is Totally In That Bucket
Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves took Baby Levi Strauss for a walk yesterday in Malibu. You’re probably buttuming that Baby Levi is in that stroller. You know he isn’t. He’s probably in that bucket, because Matthew thought it would be “totally rad” to carry him that way. He saw it in “National Geographic” or something. Matthew’s bongo and his bong are riding safely in the baby stroller.
Camila looks pretty hot for just having a baby. I’m buttuming that bisney had the works after she gave birth. Every Hollywood bisney probably gets it. The doctors don’t even ask anymore. As soon as baby pops out, they bring in the wet vac and make it all right again.
Matthew also went for a walk later in the day with Baby Levi Strauss and a “friend.” GAY! And how can Matthew have two baby strollers? They can fit both of those things in his trailer home?
They Always Come Back
Earlier this week, Balthazar Getty stated the obvious by announcing he has split up with his wifey after he was caught being slutty with Sienna Miller. TMZ reports that Balthazar has been e-mailing with estranged wifey, Rosetta, and saying sh*t like, “I love you.” Sienna probably already dumped his butt. Married men aren’t fun anymore when their separated from their wives. Kind of kills the thrill. Hollywood wives better put a dick belt on their husbands because Sienna is cumming for them!
A source claims that even though Balthazar’s pepaw is a billionaire, he hasn’t seen any of the family money. Rosetta supported his butt until he got the “Brothers & Sisters” job.
What is the point of being married to a Getty if you’re not bathing in $100 bills every night? I mean, Balthazar is hot and everything, but he looks like he has an “innie” and I’m not talking about his belly button.
Rosetta better not take his skeezer butt back! Instead, she should make him think that if he does a bunch of sh*t for her, she’ll take him back. She should make him videotape himself shutting a desk drawer on his peen. Or make him use his urethra as a mouth to say, “My name is Little Balthazar and I am stupid, fugly, piece of trash who ruins lives.” I do that sh*t in the bathtub when I’m bored. Don’t judge!
Say Something Nice
Ummm…..errr…..well…..um….the colors on her t-sh*t are pretty? I can’t! What in Jack Skellington hell is going on with Vadge?! Is she injecting roids directly into her face now? Even international supermodel Phoebe Price is looking at these pictures thinking, “Damn. Her chicken cutlets are out of control. bisney needs to rotate those things.” And her roid twigs will haunt my daydreams!
I hope Lourdes is leading her mother to the nearest buffet, followed by a 6-month nap in an oxygen chamber. Calgon, take Vadge away!
This Shit Is Finally Over (For Now)
This is just an excuse to post another picture of Dollhouse Dude. He was my favorite part of this whole Brit/KFed custody fiasco. Dollhouse Dude is looking so…..sad. This bisney needs help! Ty Pennington and Fisher Price should team up to give him a makeover. He also might need help from Habitat for Humanity. Dollhouse Dude is going to be without a dollhouse soon. Sad. I’d send him mine, but I’m really attached to it. It’s my favorite Sunday afternoon activity. Play with my dollhouse while getting plastered.
Anyway, the Brit and KFed custody battle is officially over for now. Yesterday, Commissioner Gordon signed off on the custody agreement. KFed gets sole custody of SPF and JJ with Brit Brit getting visitation rights. She currently has one sleepover per week and will get another one before the end of the year.
KFed will get $20,000 a month in child support. He used to get $15,000. Brit also has to pay off his $250,000 legal bill. Daddy Spears, who is in charge of her butt until July 31st, agreed to the settlement.
Brit Brit will probably ask for 50/50 custody once the conservatorship ends.
Damn, KFed and his attorneys probably celebrated with whores, hot wings and Henny. $250,000? I really should have been a lawyer. Too bad I hate wearing a suit. Seriously, lawyers might be happier if they could wear shorts and t-shirts to work. The only bisney that should be allowed to wear a suit is Rojo Caliente. She makes it looks effortless.
OK! Magazine asked KFed’s lawyer why he needed the $5,000 a month increase and his lawyer said, “He’s trying to contribute as much [of his own money] as he can. It’s never been about the money.” Cue laugh track.
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Vince - The crackhead from the ShamWow commercials - In case you’re wondering, those sh*t rags don’t work! Surprising, I know. Click here to read a review
For Brittany
Birthday Sluts
Helen Mirren (63)
Taylor Momsen (15)
Tamyra Gray (29)
Kate Beckinsale (35)
Jeremy Piven (43)
Sandra Bullock (44)
Kevin Spacey (49)
Dorothy Hamill (52)
Mick Jagger (65)
Blake Edwards (86)
Take Out The Trash
Ken Paves is totally telling Jessica Simpson, “You dumb bisney! I was only joking when I said that all the country bisneyes were wearing trash bags.” At first, I thought Jessica was wearing Stella’s trash bag dress from Project Runway. I know it’s just the pattern of the dress that’s making it look it’s from the Hefty collection, but it’s still fug as hell.
Jessica was out with my girl crush, Ken Paves, in NYC last night. Jessica’s foot claws were also out. Way out. In the last thumbnail, it looks like her toes are about to grab that ciggie. Now that’s talent!
Becky #1 From Roseanne Is A Fortune Teller
When Lecy Goranson left “Roseanne,” I was so f**king sad. Becky #2 wasn’t the same. She was too clbutty for that sh*t and never belonged. No one could ever pull off a floral sweatshirt the way Becky #1 could.
Anyway, Lecy (I think she goes by Alicia now) was spotted reading tarot cards at the Gowanus Yacht Club in Brooklyn last Saturday. That bisney is the next Dionne Warwick! I don’t know if she does this for money or if it’s a regular thing, but I’m spending every night at the Gowanus Yacht Club, hoping to run into her. Sharing a twelve pack with Becky #1 while she tells me a bunch of bullsh*t sounds like my idea of a good time.
A long butt time ago I worked for a psychic line for like a day. It was hell and even I started to feel guilty about lying to people. One bisney asked me, “Is my boyfriend cheating on me?” I asked her, “What time did he come home last night?” She answered, “He didn’t.” So I said, “Yes. Yes, he is cheating on you.” You would think that the dumb bisney would have said to me, “bisney! You’re the psychic. You should know what time he came home!” Don’t ever call those things! If you need someone to lie to you, call me instead. I lie for beer.
Not A Grey Poupon Fan
That’s when Vitaly reached in his glove compartment, pulled out a gun, cocked it, aimed it at the other car and said, “Here’s your Grey Poupon, roll your f**king windows up.” Hmmm…maybe he’s a French’s type of dude?
When Vitaly drove off, the pbuttenger in the other car got his license plate information and called the cops. Payback sucks. Vitaly was arrested and charged with felony aggravated buttault.
Some douchebags can’t take a stupid joke. Vitaly needs to lighten up and get f**ked with a funny bone. If you told him a knock-knock joke, he’d probably shoot you in the face.
That being said, I’d hit it in a bathtub full of Grey Poupon.