Jessica Simpson should go easy on the collagen
To whoever convinced Jessica Simpson all men want to secretly bang Daisy Duck, hardy har har, butthole.
I kid. High five! Do Heidi Montag next.
Britney Spears is somehow meeting men
Britney Spears, despite being legally insane, went out on a date last night with a mystery man at Sur in Los Angeles. This has to be a kick in the birth canal for all the sane women out there who know that children aren’t an end table for your cellphone yet still can’t find a man. Ladies, I’m here for you - provided you don’t try to change me and make me wear pants. Can’t you just love me for who I am? *sniff* I’m going to my mother’s.
Paris Hilton & Stavros Niarchos: Reunited and it feels so good (Except for the peeing)
I imagine you could probably fry an egg on Benji Madden’s bald Elmer Fudd head right about now. These are pics of Paris Hilton getting cozy with her ex Stavros Niarchos at a club in Miami over the weekend, according to The Sun:
Greek shipping heir Stavros - who dated Paris in 2006 - made a beeline for Paris after they both attended the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in Miami.
A source said: ” Stavros looked thrilled to see Paris again and was spotted stroking her hair.
“They then looked deep in conversation.”
I know what some of you are thinking “Maybe they were just talking.” Really? Think about that one for a second: Who approaches Paris Hilton with the intent of hearing words come out of her mouth? I could go out back and talk to my garden hose for an hour, and it’d be a richer experience. (Read: I’d call him “Hosey.”)
Ashlee Simpson may induce labor, says Jessica Simpson
Remember when Ashlee Simpson got pregnant, I’m guessing, at least ten years ago? That kid’s still in there. While taping an upcoming episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Jessica Simpson says her little sister may have to induce labor soon. People reports:
“They’re going to have to. It’s already developing really quick,” Jessica said Monday at a taping of the The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
Ashlee – described by husband Pete Wentz more than two weeks ago as due at any moment – has already tried other ways to begin labor.
“Different foot mbuttages and stuff,” Jessica told DeGeneres in the show airing Wednesday. “I don’t know. I think she’s really just jumping around trying everything right now.”
Then again, look who the source of this information is. The day I take medical advice from Jessica Simpson is the day I end up performing a C-Section with a hot dog because “babies like mustard.”
Kim Kardashian still wearing bikinis
Here’s a rare occurrence, pictures of Kim Kardashian wearing a bikini without a sarong. Seriously, you’d have better luck finding a four-leaf clover that talks and knows all the words to “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler - in Aramaic.
NOTE: Folks, we’ve got buttcrack. And quite possibly the lost city of Atlantis. I’ll keep you posted.
Scarlett Johansson on Lindsay Lohan
Once upon a time (Read: 2005), a presumably coked-out Lindsay Lohan wrote “Scarlett Johansson is a bloody person” on a bathroom stall in New York City. The two were once in competition for the lead role in The Parent Trap which Lindsay won. Scarlett Johansson has never talked about the incident, but recently opened up about it in the latest issue of Allure where she claims she’s only met Lindsay “like three times”:
“I don’t know what the motivation was behind that. I remember it was something really vulgar — I mean, shockingly so, like, ‘Whoa, what, who are you?’”
I believe the more appropriate question when discussing Lindsay is “When, where, how much and is that gargoyle dude going to watch?” (Answer: Probably.)
Heather Locklear charged with DUI
Heather Locklear has been formally charged for DUI stemming from her September arrest. Authorities say she was under the influence of prescription medicines, according to People:
If convicted, the actress, 47, faces penalties ranging from a fine to up to six months in county jail.
An arraignment was set for Jan. 26 in Santa Barbara Superior Court.
“Lab tests showed she had no alcohol in her system and no illegal narcotics of any kind,” says Senior Deputy District Attorney Lee Carter, who declined to comment on what medications – or the amounts – Locklear had taken.
Dude, are you scoping out those looks? I think she wants me. Big time.
Britney Spears to light tree at Rockefeller Center
Live in New York City? Now would be a good time to leave. Britney Spears is scheduled to light the tree at Rockefeller Center therefore ushering in Armageddon and ruining Christmas for every girl and every boy, according to OK! Magazine:
Sources close to the pop superstar confirm to OK! that on Dec. 3, the day after she turns 27 and her new album, Circus, hits record stores, Britney will be in the Big Apple for the 76th annual tree-lighting extravaganza. What’s still unclear is whether or not she’ll be performing at the ceremony, or just hanging out with host Al Roker for the NBC broadcast of the event.
BABY JESUS: Britney Spears? Are you sh*tting me?! She’ll eat the tree! Dad.
GOD: Son, the game’s on.
BABY JESUS: But, dad, she’ll ruin my birthday.
GOD: Jesus, Jesus, you’re killin’ me.
BABY JESUS: Fine. But I’m giving Stephen Baldwin those laser eyes he keeps asking for.
GOD: Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. TOUCHDOWN!
UPDATE: Stephen Baldwin blew up Hollywood, Keith Olbermann and beloved Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling today…
Mario Lopez continues his never-ending war on sleeves
A.C. Slater,
What is it with you and sleeves? Why do they vex you so?
I’ve put great a deal of effort into this question (five minutes) and narrowed it down to a list of likely scenarios that fuel your unbridled hatred for armwear. If these hit close to home, my apologies:
1. Dustin Diamond. ‘Nuff said.
2. A sleeve touched your special place when a grown-up wasn’t around.
3. One time a beautiful woman person asked to see your guns, but they were buried under a sleeve causing you to scream into the night, “NO, DAMN YOU! NEVER AGAIN, SLEEVES!”
4. A sleeve murdered your father over an unpaid debt.
5. They’re itchy.
I understand you’re currently in South Beach, but a timely response would be appreciated before I tell people a sleeve broke your heart and slept with your brother.
Sincerely,
The Superficial Writer
P.S. How much are we talking for you to show up to my work and call people “Preppy?” Five, ten bucks? Shoot me a figure which I’ll continually reject until you settle for a McMuffin.
Wanda Sykes comes out of the closet
Comedian Wanda Sykes came out of the closet yesterday at a rally protesting Proposition 8 which banned gay marriage in California. The AP reports:
“You know, I don’t really talk about my sexual orientation. I didn’t feel like I had to. I was just living my life, not necessarily in the closet, but I was living my life,” Sykes told a crowd at a gay rights rally in Las Vegas on Saturday.
“Everybody that knows me personally they know I’m gay. But that’s the way people should be able to live their lives,” she said.
Sykes, who is known for her feisty and blunt style, said the pbuttage of California’s Proposition 8 made her feel like she was “attacked.”
“Now, I gotta get in their face,” she said. “I’m proud to be a woman. I’m proud to be a black woman, and I’m proud to be gay.”
Wanda also added “Plus, you know, it was getting all kinds of crowded in there and Tom Cruise wouldn’t stop asking me if I was an alien or something. So finally I say ‘Look, I am not an alien - but that Spencer Pratt kid behind you is.’ Then made a bee-line for the door. Sheeit, he called me an alien! I mean, uh, boo! Prop 8: Oppression.”
