Keira Knightley is serious about getting naked
Apparently, if you want Keira Knightley to take off her clothes and smear herself with apple jelly you have to give her a good reason. (I know, show-biz people—touchy, right?) The Duchess actress took time out from looking hot to reveal her philosophy about nude scenes to Glamour:
GLAMOUR: What about nudity? Are you comfortable doing it in a film?
KK: Pretty comfortable. I certainly wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t…. I detest unnecessary nudity and what it says about women in society.
GLAMOUR: What do you think it says?
KK: I think you see a lot of films where, Oh, yes, the woman gets her tits out again and runs around naked for no reason. And you kind of go, Ugh, do we have to?
Keira probably doesn’t have to worry about pulling her tits out for no reason, since she’s built like a 12-year-old boy and doesn’t have any tits. But she’s right that she shouldn’t strip down unless it’s essential to the plot. Hopefully she’ll warm up to the project currently in development in my head, Keira Knightley Runs Out of Clean Clothes So She Has to Do Her Laundry Naked and the Washing Machine Overflows So She Gets All Wet and Covered in Soap Suds. She should like it, since it’s a period piece, set in a time when she runs out of clean clothes, so she has to do her laundry naked and the washing machine overflows so she gets all wet and covered in soap suds.
Britney Spears debuts ‘Womanizer’ video
Britney Spears debuted her new video for “Womanizer” today and the song definitely benefited from visuals. And, Jesus, the visuals. Here’s what to except from this thing conveniently lodged after the jump:
1. Naked Britney. And I didn’t cry!
2. Lingerie Britney cooking eggs. Her real specialty: Flaming bowl of Lucky Charms.
3. Britney photocopying her butt then punching said photocopy. I didn’t know this was autobiographical…
4. More Naked Britney. Again, no crying.
5. Cocktail Waitress Lap-dancing Britney. I think this video has exceeded its head-whipping threshold.
6. Britney driving a car with her foot while having sex in the backseat. This explains all those accidents.
7. Showering Britney. I’m gonna need a minute.
8. Crazy Vengeful Lingerie Britney. Yeah, make the bed over him. Guys hate that!
9. Naked Britney. Oh, I get it. She’s the narrator. Ha! Gonna need another minute…
10. Words. In a Britney Spears’ video? I guess - if you wanna be “artsy.”
Is Britney Spears back? Frankly, it felt like she never left. No, seriously, she can’t be killed!
Cheryl Burke wants you to accept her fat
Dancing With the Stars‘ Cheryl Burke has been getting a little porky lately, so she’s doing what any responsible professional dancer would do: She’s crying to the media about how everyone should be okay with it. According to People magazine:
When bloggers called out Cheryl Burke for putting on a few pounds, the Dancing with the Stars pro fought back. But what upset her most, she says, is the unhealthy body image issues promoted by such stories.
“I want kids or women out there to realize you don’t have to be anorexic to be beautiful,” the two-time Dancing champ tells PEOPLE exclusively. “There’s a lot of pressure living this Hollywood life. People expect to see you at a certain weight and when you gain a few pounds then all of a sudden it’s the talk of the week.”
Whatever, fatty. If you weren’t packing on pounds yourself, you’d be pushing your nose up with your thumb and making “oink, oink” noises at every chick who doesn’t blow away in a stiff breeze. You’re getting paid to stay in shape, so put down the damn donut and hit the treadmill. Unless you want your next TV gig to be on the evening news. In a breaking report about the woman who had to be airlifted to the hospital to have a turkey drumstick surgically removed from the folds in her gut.
Heidi & Spencer, Get Used to This Face: An Open Letter
Dear Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt,
I regret to inform you that your dopey mugs will no longer be featured on The Superficial.
After conducting a thoroughly scientific survey where I let people call you buttholes, it’s been almost unanimously determined our readers prefer the STD Tower of Lank above over you two. Let me repeat that: PEOPLE WOULD RATHER READ ABOUT PARIS HILTON THAN LOOK AT YOUR FACES. Frankly, I don’t even know how someone accomplishes such a feat, but you two pulled off in spades.
However, to show that I’m not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I will make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site:
1. Heidi wears a bikini.
2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally.
I hope at this time you two will respect that democracy has triumphed here today, and I wish you absolutely zero success in your future endeavors. In fact, I started going to church just so I could pray Heidi gets pregnant.
Sincerely,
The Superficial Writer.
P.S. Paris, if you’re reading this, I just FEDEX’d you a steak. EAT IT.
EDIT: This is the real deal, folks. Let it never be said I’m not a good and righteous ruler of the Interwebs.
Hugh Hefner’s new twin girlfriends have an assault record (I’m aroused)
Hugh Hefner has already found replacements for Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson. His two new ladies are twin sisters Karissa and Kristina Shannon (pictured on each side of Hugh.) But it turns out these two have a history of beating the living crap out of people and are BOTH on probation for a bar brawl in January, according to E! News:
The sisters were arrested in the early morning hours of Jan. 10 and booked on suspicion of felony aggravated battery, per arrest reports obtained by E! News. They were released from custody after posting $10,000 bonds and were later given probation and ordered to pay restitution for the incident, the details of which have not been determined just yet.
Prior to that run-in with the law, Karissa Shannon was arrested on suspicion of misdemeanor battery last November.
Well, at least they’re not dating a feeble old man with tons of cash laying around. Wait…
Zac Efron might do naked stuff
This one’s for you, ladies (and The Geekologie Writer):
Zac Efron of High School Musical fame is eyeing up the controversial role in Equus that’s currently played by Harry Potter himself Daniel Radcliffe. Daniel was looking to shed his child star image and took the part which requires a full-frontal nude scene with a horse. Now Zac is looking to get in on the wang-dangling action. The Sun reports:
Zac let slip at the London premiere of High School Musical 3, saying: “You know that Daniel Radcliffe role on Broadway, well it’s been mentioned.”
He is clearly hoping to shed his wholesome image, having just finished shooting period drama Me and Orson Welles alongside CLAIRE DANES.
He said: ”I would love to just sit down and talk with LEONARDO DICAPRIO and JOHNNY DEPP and pick their brains about their early careers. They do it because they love it, not because they enjoy being famous. You have to have good foresight and be really careful. If you don’t adapt and learn at a very young age, you can really mess up.”
Hey, if flashing your penis to a room full of people is acting, then call me Leonard f**king Nimoy. Unless the room is air-conditioned, then call me Tiny Kevin Connolly. Ha ha! I can kick this kid all day. He’s like a hackey sack!
Madonna is a bitch? I never would’ve guessed
Swedish pop star Robyn was excited to open a handful of European shows for Madonna’s “Sticky & Sweet” tour until she found out the Mummy has strict rules, according to Page Six:
Robyn told her hometown Swedish paper that she and her crew were told “not to approach Madonna, not to speak to Madonna and, above all, no pictures . . . I hadn’t expected any glamour, but it’s strange that they buttume that the first thing you’re gonna do is run after Madonna and ask for an autograph. My worst nightmare would be to turn into Madonna.
Robyn, it’s everybody’s worst nightmare to turn into Madonna - including Madonna. Seriously. I heard she looks at herself each morning in the mirror and says “Dammit, Madonna. Why did you turn into Madonna?” Then she eats a baby from a small African village and does Pilates. True story.
Gisele Bundchen lends her hotness to Kevin Connolly
These are shots of supermodel Gisele Bundchen filming a music video for Black Cowboy yesterday. Kevin Connolly from Entourage directed the shoot which took place on Melrose Ave., and I gotta say, I have my concerns. I’m no expert, but this thing seems to be missing several key components for a successful music video: Nudity, robots and Slash playing guitar while driving a tank full of strippers. I mean, sure, you can make a video without these things, but you can also make beer without alcohol. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should - and that’s one to grow on.*
*Except for you, Kevin Connolly. You had your chance.
Angelina Jolie’s much ballyhooed breastfeeding cover of W magazine
You probably haven’t been able to take a leak in the past 24 hours without hearing about Brad Pitt taking a photo of Angelina Jolie breastfeeding that would appear in W Magazine. Well, here it is. For those of you who thought it would be hot, two things: 1. It’s for the cover of a national magazine so the chances of seeing a nipple were zero. (Though I could understand an expectation of side-boob.) 2. Breastfeeding involves babies, Darth Pervert. All that aside, what I found interesting was during the interview Angelina admitted Brad encouraged her to get pregnant when she was content with just adopting. Smooth:
“I think one of the life changing things that he did, one of many, is that I was absolutely never going to get pregnant. I never felt that it was the right thing to do. Now I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world. It taught me a lot about life, just the process of it, and now we have three other beautiful children that wouldn’t otherwise be here.”
Wow. So Brad Pitt gets to have sex with one of the hottest women on the planet and what does he do? Turn hers vagina into a gaping baby portal. Jesus. That’s like finally getting a Playstation 3 then shoving a watermelon through it. (I should write analogies for a living.)
Britney Spears is capable of reflection
Britney Spears is opening up about the past two years of her life which friends and family refer to as the “batsh*t sandwich.” During that time she got a divorce, went to rehab, started habitually flashing her cooch, bombed at the VMAs, lost custody of her children and then thought she was Mary Poppin’s younger sister who likes to make amateur porn until someone put her in the psych ward. For a crazy person, you gotta admit she was productive. The AP reports:
“I sit there and I look back and I’m like, ‘I’m a smart person. What the hell was I thinking?’” Spears said in an interview to air on MTV on Nov. 30, two days before the release of her new album. “I’ve been through a lot in the past two or three years, and there’s a lot that people don’t know.”
“I’m a smart person.” Okay, lying is probably not the best way to start a public confessional, but since you didn’t throw feces at anyone, I’m gonna allow it - just this once.
