Conchita Wurst (more like Conchita Best or Conchita Werk), the drag jewel alter ego of Austrian singer Tom Neuwirth.

Tom Neuwirth started his career by yodeling out high-pitched musical unicorn notes on the Austrian reality talent show Starmania, where he placed second. Then in 2011, Tom slid into casing made of swan foreskin and pixie wings, and Conchita Wurst was born! Conchita covered the eyes of many with a thick layer of grace when she sang on another Austrian talent show, and later competed to represent Austria at Euro Vision this year. Conchita didn’t get the spot, but that’s only because Austria wants to keep the shiniest diamond in their collection of crown jewels close and doesn’t want to share it with the world. Do you blame them? Prepare your ears for the puckering. You will shoot glitter out of one of your body holes and I’m not sure I can tell you which one.

And here’s Conchita Wurst making that Titanic necklace rise from the bottom of the ocean with her glorious voice:

That is the most gorgeous singing bedazzled sausage (made of equal parts Glamberace, Harald Glööckler, Bill Kaulitz and Klinger) I’ve ever seen. And she comes with her own beard! I bet Kim Kardashian is looking at Conchia Wurst and is like, “If I don’t shave first thing in the morning, and then again at 5 o’clock, I can be as beautiful as her.” You wish, heffa.

(For Oxygen)

Tina Fey (42)
Spencer Breslin (20)
Ryan Cooley (24)
Jack Johnson (37)
Chantal Kreviazuk (38)
Martika (43)
Sandra (50)
Chow Yun-Fat (57)
George Strait (60)
Reggie Jackson (66)
Robert Morse (81)

A bear trap, a sloth with a drinking problem, a Skee-Ball ball, the animatronic Abraham Lincoln from Disneyland, a pigeon skeleton, a cardboard cutout of the It Clown, Donatella Versace, John Travolta’s weekday wig, the creepy girl at the groomers who told me my dog has nice legs, an empty can of Tab, the broken Sleep ‘N Snore Ernie in my childhood bedroom closet, Blue Ivy Carter, green ivy (the plant), a skunk’s nose hair and a pack of wolves in sheep’s clothing are all things I’d let my hold my baby before I’d let White Oprah hold my baby.

Either somebody disagrees with me or they asked all those things to hold their baby and all those things were busy doing other stuff. Because today at The Grove in L.A., Lindsay Lohan’s pimp mom held an actual living, breathing human baby being without the supervision of several government agencies. I don’t know if White Oprah knows that baby or she just randomly picked that baby up, but I find it really strange that a plainclothes Child Protective Services agent didn’t immediately tackle her to the ground while another agent grabbed the baby. Shouldn’t CPS be tailing her at all times?

On a positive note, if I was a baby, I’d want White Oprah to hold me too. White Oprah’s breath is 100 proof and the sh*ttiest thing about being a baby is that you can’t buy your own booze.

As of yesterday, John Doe #1 hired master limousine chaser Gloria Allred to be his new attorney and help him decide whether or not he’s going re-file his lawsuit against John Travolta for giving him a hernia test without asking. Since then, a lot more foolery has come flying out and let’s get to it so we can exhale before another batch of foolery comes flying out. I swear, I hope Tommy Girl and his Scientology chorus boys re-enact all of this at the church holiday pageant, because this is drama.

John Doe #2 has dropped his lawyer and picked up Gloria Allred too – Just like John Doe #1, John Doe #2 withdrew his $2 million lawsuit against John Travolta this morning and immediately hired Gloria Allred. John Doe #2′s the mbuttage therapist at that fancy resort in Atlanta who claims John’s anus hole practically tried to eat his finger off. Gloria tells People that they plan to file the lawsuit in another court.

John Travolta’s lawyer is shaking his head no to the rumors that they’re paying bisneyes off - John Doe #2′s first lawyer said that John Travolta could make everything go away if he simply slipped them $250,000. But John’s lawyer Marty Singer tells TMZ that they will never pay a cent and will never settle. Well, I say why should John pull the wad of cash out of his titty cleavage to pay those dudes off when he can get his Scientology bisneyes to put the spook in them? Those Scientology crazies will haunt John Doe #1 and John Doe #2 forever. I’m pretty sure that creepy bisney with split ends in The Grudge was a Scientologist.

John Travolta tried to put a hickey on Kenickie’s dickey – Remember Jeff Conway’s beyond crazy fiancee Vikki Lizzi? Vikki tells The National Enquirer (via P6) that when Jeff tried to off himself in 2006, he wrote a suicide note where he claimed that John Travolta sucked him off while he was pbutted out one night in the 90s. The note went something like, “Life is an ugly thing and I realized this when I woke up and had Travolta’s saliva all over my peen. Goodbye cruel world!”

Vikki says that after Jeff caught Travolta sucking on his peen in his sleep, their friendship ended. Jeff also told Vikki that Kelly Preston knows John’s butt hole gets hungry for peen and she’s okay with it. Kelly is John’s happily wedded beard and even signed some sort of contract.

And finally for the grand finale! John Travolta released this Mother’s Day video card to Kelly Preston and loooooord this is the most subtle act of damage control I’ve ever seen. Nothing says “I love my wife’s vagina” like a Power Point presentation. Even Tommy Girl’s couch jumping theatrics weren’t this obvious.

And the best part is that he used a Barbra Streisand song. If that isn’t an official coming out announcement, then I really don’t know what is.

In the late 00?s, his face was starting to sag and lose its elasticity. His face pretty much fluttered in the breeze as he ran. He had lines around his eyes and bags under them.

Now, frankly, this is not a big deal. All faces age. Really! But this ego maniacal liar wants you to believe that he is no mere mortal, and that his looks are all natural because he lives such an extraordinary life. That’s right, People! He’s not like you! He works hard to stay young! He has never had plastic surgery and never will! Or so he claims.

Here’s the truth: He had a nose job when he was in his teens (he had the bridge thinned out). He had his teeth completely redone (although we wouldn’t include teeth in the plastic surgery category). He had his eyeballs replaced. He had a mid-section face lift and lower blepharoplasty (eye job) around 2009. He is currently holding off on upper eye work (because that would drastically change his look). Now he just has regular injections of Botox and Restylane to freeze things up and plump them out. Hey, it’s good work, he doesn’t look “done”, and his face settled in nicely six months after the plastic surgery. But it’s still plastic surgery. And he is still a liar. (Blind Gossip)

Tommy Girl? Exhibit: EVERYTHING.

But I resent this blind item! Tommy is as honest as he is heterosexual. Tommy would rather put his lips on the taint of the hired Scientology man slave that comes to tuck his no-no in every night than tell a lie. Tommy’s almost wrinkle-free face comes from years of not being glib, and he tells Stepford Katie to randomly flash her chocha at him when he least expects it. It makes his face skin jump up. It’s a natural face-lift! Don’t be jealous of Tommy’s natural beauty.

Which former A-lister and Hollywood womanizer – he supposedly sowed his wild oats before getting married and raising a family – hasn’t been that loyal? The Oscar winner has been having phone sex with a C-list celebrity for years behind his famous actress/wife’s back! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Warren Beatty as the A-lister and Stephanie Seymour as the C-list celebrity? I’m impressed that Warren is still f**king with his voice at the age of 75. Yes, I’m sure he falls asleep halfway through, but at least he tries.

This music group recently left their record label. They publicly announced that they had outgrown the label and were moving in a new direction. Everyone thanked each other for their years together and wished each other well in the future. Blah, blah, blah. Lies, lies, lies.

Do you want to know what really happened?

Well, the truth is that the music group was totally fired. Yes, fired!

The label had warned them numerous times that they needed to clean up their act. Their fans were drifting away because they were tired of their ridiculous faux relationships of all the members of the group, and the troubling, r*hab-worthy behavior of one of the members of the group (Member C). If they didn’t get their act together and start making music again – together – the label wasn’t interested in keeping them.

But the group and their manager had grown arrogant and lazy. They didn’t want to listen to the label that had made them into a success. They weren’t interested in creating music as a group or touring anymore. They just wanted the fame and the money that their very greedy and very controlling manager convinced them that they deserved – just for being them!

So Member A left to try another solo venture. That venture – which had been successful up until the time Member A joined – had to shut down when he couldn’t bring in an audience. Over a hundred people lost their jobs. And his fakey fake relationship with an older woman simply annoyed everyone, especially his former fans. He’s in a new fake relationship now.

Member B lost all control over his own life. He let his manager set him up in a fake marriage and is now letting his wife dictate his next ridiculous gig (which is designed to promote her, not him).

Member C wanted to do a solo album in between drinking binges. The label advised him against it because there had been a backlash from fans after one of his faux relationships. He did the album anyway. It bombed. He blamed the label.

That was the final straw. The label fired all of them. They practically gave them their songs back. Anything to get them out the door as fast as possible and completely sever ties with them and their idiotic manager. Good riddance. (Blind Gossip)

Nick Jonas, Kevin Jonas and Joe Jonas. Done.