The demure Italian blossom that is Elisabetta Canalis has gone from George Clooney to Eggs from True Blood to Steve-O. So if you were ever in an episode of Jersey Shore or were arrested in front of the Cops cameras once, then you’re in luck, because it won’t be long before Elisabetta downgrades down to your butt for paparazzi attention! – The Superficial

Jennifer Lawrence and the little boy from About A Boy are totally a thing – Lainey Gossip

In possibly related news, Jesus just announced that he’s converting to Buddhism – Celebisneyy

Sophie Monk’s face looks like it’s made of watercolors - Hollywood Tuna

This isn’t going to scrub the gay out of him, but rubbing all that dead skin off is going to give this dude GLOWING skin – Towleroad

Mini Anden’s nipple does Bazaar – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Lily Collins loves her five layer eyebrow situation – ICYDK

In “same ole, same ole” news, Ashley Jizzdale looks a mess – Popoholic

BREAKING: Seal is still wearing his wedding ring and still dressing like it’s 1999 - Just Jared

Why does JLo have furry baseball bats on her coat? – Popsugar

Here I am writing a Dlisted post – The Berry

Three words that might make your night: ROYAL MARINE PEEN – (NSFW) OMG Blog

They’re trying to tell me that’s Tami Roman, but it looks more like a wax-covered Predator in a weave to me – Crunk + Disorderly

Dear Bulldog, please leave the acrobatic art of boxing to the professionals (aka Maru) – Cityrag

Miley Cyrus busted her butt – Celebslam

And I think I just busted my butt after falling back while picturing Rosie O’Donnell romancing her girlfriend with a turkey baster – I’m Not Obsessed

I think I see moose knuckle – SOW

(Fame Pictures)

via Poorly Dressed

Reese Witherspoon hasn’t meant sh*t to me ever since she stomped her chin on Jake Gyllenhaal’s fairytale wedding dreams, but she has redeemed herself by making the children cry. MTV (via Just Jared) asked Reese what she thinks about Justin Bieber remaking Fear and she could’ve let out some sugar coated publicist-approved bullsh*t, but instead she said this:

“Fine. Great. That would be cool. Would he be playing me or is he playing Mark Wahlberg?”

DONE.

Reese then tried to make it sound like what she really meant is that he’ll play a dude with a girl stalker, but CHIN please. Oh, Reese, when you’re fighting off the rattle-wielding, mouth foaming Beliebers with your chin, just know that you’re everyone’s hero for today for this afternoon for this hour.

via The Superficial

Doesn’t it seem like just yesterday the media was asking a young Daniel Radcliffe what kind of Legos he likes to play with (or whatever) and now the media is asking him about how he likes his coochie. They grow up so fast. DanRad and Heat Magazine (via Entertainmentwise) were talking about how he let his Jewish peen bush be great in Equus and that somehow led to him confessing that if he’s not pulling pubes off his tongue, he’s not messing with it:

“This is way too much information, but I don’t like girls with nothing down there either. It freaks me out. You have to have something, otherwise it’s f**king creepy,”

And now we know that DanRad has licked on a hairless skin mitten and it was creepy to his butt because it was like sucking on a hairless armadillo’s armpit or giving a raspberry to a plate of dried mangos. THANKS, Harry Potter. But I’m with him. Genital shrubs are there for a reason. It gives you something to look at while you’re down there and it sometimes protects your nose. What if you’re really getting into it and you accidentally scrape your nose on their crotch stubble. It can happen! A good day would be not having to explain to people that the scratch on your nose is from rubbing up against the stubble patch on your piece’s crotch.

Like Jennifer Aniston when Justin Theroux seriously asked her out on a date without saying PSYCH! afterward, Kristen Bell was filled so much potent happiness over meeting a sloth that she melted into a puddle of joy before the sloth drank her up with a straw (that’d probably make her life).

Seriously, Veronica Mars showed Ellen a clip (skip to the 2:00 mark) of her having a melodramatic meltdown after her piece Dax Shepard introduced her to a sloth on her birthday. OVER A SLOTH! It’s not like the sloth sang her a Stacey Q song or brought her a plate of Chocodiles (Why don’t they make Chocodiles anymore?). It was just a sloth being a sloth. Veronica Mars is f**king crazy. Although, if you woke up next to Dax’s face every morning, you too would be so vulnerable that your raw emotions would spin out of control at the drop of a SLOTH. This is your “crying over cat videos while on your period” moment on speed.

And I’m totally changing Birthday Sluts to Birthday Sloths.

Water is wet, I flicked at my nipple while using the neti pot this morning, Tommy Girl took his toast with a thick layer of nut butter and Lindsay Lohan allegedly snorted her way to f**ked up and back on Sunday night. The headline “Lindsay Lohan Gets Loaded at Chateau Marmont” is about as shocking as the headline “Angelina Jolie Only Ate Air Today,” but let’s hear what Radar has to say about this mess anyway. Radar’s source claims that at a SAG Awards party at Chateau Marmont on Sunday night, Blohan slurred her words and her eyes were so damn glbutty that you could’ve cut a line on them. Apparently, she tried to look like the epitome of sober by only sipping on water, but her coke burnt nose told a different story. So said the source:

“Lindsay was spotted going to the restroom with a male companion on numerous occasions in a short amount of time. When the two of them emerged from the bathroom, Lindsay was giggling and her nose appeared red. Lindsay was spotted only drinking water in the lounge area, but she appeared to be loaded on something, and she seemed under the influence. Lindsay’s eyes were glbutty and her pupils were constricted. [She] was definitely on something. She was slurring her words, and needed help walking at one point in the course of the night. Lindsay was sitting on a chair adjacent to Harvey Weinstein’s party – his was roped off and she didn’t get past the rope. So she sat on the other side looking over. She looked bedraggled and desperate.”

Of course, LiLo’s rep denies all of this.

The only language Lindsay Lohan knows is Drunk Slur and her pupils are just naturally constricted now, so it would really be news if she was talking without a slur and walking without tripping over herself. But I CAN’T with her hibernating in the bathroom all night. Who does she think she is? Kim Richards from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? I hate that sh*t. That is why going to certain places is the worst. There’s always some cokehead cokejacking the bathroom when all you want to do is take a quick caca, because you made the wrong decision of drinking a White Russian. You know how some bathrooms have a baby changing station? Chateau Marmont needs a coke snorting station just for Blohan. Let the non-snorters sh*t!

Vanity Fair(Skin) pushed our their annual Hollywood issue were they spread the supposedly freshest and hottest sh*t all over their cover. This year they put Rooney Mara, Mia Wasikowska, Jennifer Lawrence and Jessica Chastain on the cover, and pushed the non-troll Olsen, Elisabeth Olsen, Adepero Oduye, Shailene Woodley, Paula Patton, Felicity Jones, Phil Collins’ daughter and Brit Marling to the side.

You know, this issue is supposed to be the WHO’S f**kING WHO of Hollywood, but mostly it’s just the WHO?NOREALLYWHO? of Hollywood. And it was wrong of me to say that there are only two non-white girls here, because it’s well known that Rooney Mara is half Vulcan and half Hot Topicanese.