Kanye West woke up this morning on his solid gold throne feeling like he just wanted to dip himself into a cyber vat of holy water and wash off a few layers of his ego by apologizing to Taylor Swift for imma-ing her at the VMAs last year…among other things.
Kanye slid into the confessional booth opposite Father Twitter Bird and confessed that he wrote a special song for Taylor and that the media has wrongfully portrayed him as an angry white girl hater who represents the word buttHOLE on Google Images. Note: George Bush, St. Angie Jolie and Gene Simmons are all on the first two pages when you Google “butthole,” but Kanye is not. But does he show up on the second page when you Google “egomaniac.” FYI.
Kanye’s entire new life manifesto is after the jump. It’s a holiday weekend so Kanye’s CAPS LOCK KEY has the day off. Kanye had to SHIFT this bisney.
If you think this is going to make your eyes invent a new kind of roll, let me just tell you that one of his Tweets starts with “Remember in Anchor Man when Ron Burgandy…” You can’t fully throw hate on Kanye’s Bible of Self-Revelations when he brings Anchor Man (and WICKED) into it. Warning: It’s longer than you can ever EVER imagine.
Slide into the booth with Kanye and JUMP!
