I’m taking a quick second from slurping up my pre-dinner snack of ice cream soup and a cup of vodka with a splash of tap water to bring you the news that Chelsea Clinton, the curly haired girl we watched grow up and master the art of the blow out, married Marc Mezvinsky in Rhinebeck, NY today.

Chelsea and Marc said all that I do sh*t in front of 400 people including Ted Danson, Mary Steenburgen and Madeline Albright. Bill and Hillary Clinton put down their plastic champagne flutes, crawled on top of the bridal party table and yelled this at everyone:

“Today, we watched with great pride and overwhelming emotion as Chelsea and Marc wed in a beautiful ceremony at Astor Courts, surrounded by family and their close friends. We could not have asked for a more perfect day to celebrate the beginning of their life together, and we are so happy to welcome Marc into our family. On behalf of the newlyweds, we want to give special thanks to the people of Rhinebeck for welcoming us and to everyone for their well-wishes on this special day.”

How can they say all those words and NOT mention how many bridesmaids Bill humped on in the fancy butt Port-A-Potties. Seriously, those Port-A-Potties were meant to do ho sh*t in. Oh well, the night is still young.

Congrats to Chelsea and Marc! If I was in the area, I’d dress up like Helen Thomas and crash that party, because you know they have some good sh*t. Not like the generic brand rubbing alcohol I’m sipping on right now.

Here’s a few pictures of the locals celebrating Chelsea’s blessed day by dressing up as furries and sitting on lawn chairs while holding homemade signs.

In just a few short days Antoine Dodson has earned a special place in the Styrofoam carton of rotten ground beef some doctors refer to as my heart. Antoine’s place in my heart is right next to Ariel Wade (Whatever happen to Ariel Wade?!). Antoine has returned to share more words of wisdom with his fans.

In what I hope becomes an hourly segment, WAFF caught up with Antoine yesterday to talk about how he has become the crack that is causing YouTube’s servers to work overtime. Antoine, who was wearing an outfit sweeter than a Kiwi Banana Starburst dipped in hummingbird juice, shrugged off his new fame and said his main focus is to beat the foolery out of his sister’s attacker. Antoine plans to do that while calling the police at the same time. Now where we know where the real inspiration for True Blood’s Lafayette came from.

BONUS! Antonie has also received the Auto-Tune treatment. Antoine and his fellow Alabamian, the Struttin’ That butt Dude, need to join forces and take their act on the road! Together they will drop tanginess on all our senses.

(Thanks to all who sent this in)

Lying down on a tanning bad that somebody else put their crotch on is “skeevy and gross“, but The Real (Foreclosed) Housewives of New Jersey’s Teresa Giudice obviously got over that for a quick check! Teresa, who is thisclose to being Miss September in the Beauties of the IRS’ Most Wanted List calendar, showed off her orange Fruit Roll-up complexion in this commercial for Sizzle Tans.

Sizzle Tans originally wanted Teresa’s husband Juicy Delicious to star in the commercial, but he couldn’t get on the tanning bed without using a step ladder so they thought that might kill the mood. Speaking of Juicy Delicious, why isn’t he out getting new jobs since he’s the one who get them into this bankruptcy mess? It’s Disney World’s busiest season right now, so I’m sure they are looking for a little nugget who can fit into the King Louie costume. Get on that, Juicy Delicious!

via Popeater

Casey Affleck got a sexual harbuttment lawsuit thrown at him last week by Amanda White, a producer on the Joaquin Phoenix documentary he directed. In Amanda’s lawsuit, she said that she left the project without getting paid after Casey wouldn’t stop trying to snatch her snatch. Well, another woman who worked on the project has also filed a lawsuit against Casey for not keeping his hands to himself. Cinematographer Magdalena Gorka says that Casey tried to bone her one night and then he turned into a total dick when she refused to pick up what he was throwing down (SPOILER ALERT: Peen. Casey was throwing down peen).

The Hollywood Reporter says that Magdalena’s lawsuit states that most of the crew stayed at Joaquin Phoenix’s house during production to save money on hotel costs. Joaquin offered Magdalena his bed and he slept on the couch. One night Casey crawled into Magdalena’s bed hoping for a little sexy times.

“During the middle of the night, [Gorka] awoke to find Affleck lying in the bed next to her. Unbeknownst to [Gorka], Affleck had entered the bedroom while she was asleep and crawled into the bed. When she woke up, Affleck was curled up next to her in the bed wearing only his underwear and a t-shirt. He had his arm around her, was caressing her back, his face was within inches of hers and his breath reeked of alcohol.”

Magdalena alleges that afterwards Casey wouldn’t stop verbally attacking her for not giving it up to him. She couldn’t take it anymore so she also left production like Amanda White did. Magdalena never got paid and Casey even took away her credit on the film. Magdalena is suing for $2.25 million.

Maybe Casey crawled into bed that night thinking his hand was going to find Joaquin’s succulent dingle-ridden hairy butthole. But when he grabbed lady butt instead, he got embarrbutted and took it out on Magdalena. Yeah, probably not.

If this is true, then somebody needs to show Casey THIS:

Casey, stop shrinking ladies!

The obsessed Twihards who write RPattz daily love letters on their freshly worn panties should never stop, because there’s a chance that one day in the far future when he’s going through all his fan mail from the glory days he’ll look down at the period dot on your chonies and instantly fall in love. Just ask 57-year-old Butch Patrick who played Eddie Munster on The Munsters. Butch is marrying his longtime fan Donna McCall. Donna first wrote Butch a fan letter back in 1964 and their pen pal relationship continued for a few years.

They eventually lost touch with each other until Donna, a retired pharmacist, e-mailed Butch a couple of years ago to say that she was thinking of him. Butch wrote her back and their love was born again! Butch just moved to West Chester, PA from Los Angeles to be with his new fiancee. Donna told MyFoxPhilly, “My first crush was Butch Patrick. I met him for the first time, but I feel like I’ve known him forever. It’s a great love story. We’re very happy together.“

This is just the battery I need to keep my delusional dream of marrying Mah Boo Anderson Cooper one day going strong. Yes, I’ll have to wait until all the silver on his head has turned to rust and he can’t giggle without coughing up a Metamucil-flavored moth ball, but it will happen!

Here’s a picture of Donna and Eddie Munster today.

And yes, that’s Eddie Munster and not his old doll Woof Woof.

Jackie Collins is going to choke a bisney out when she finds out that her favorite writin’ slippers are now on the perfectly manicured precious feet of Kourtney Kardashian’s baby daddy Scott Di(the “s” is silen)sick. Here’s Kourtney and Scott sashaying through NYC yesterday while forcing leopards everywhere to take a bottle of Miss Clairol to their fur.

If Scott is trying to look like a wheezy old queen (Thank you, Alec Baldwin) from Palm Beach who only takes off his leopard slippers so that his hairless South American pool boy can polish his toe nails with one hand while mbuttaging coconut oil into his balls with the other, he’s doing it all wrong! Wheezy old queens don’t shirts like that! Get yourself a white linen embroidered tunic, Scott! f**k!

Sorry, Chelsea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky, the Wedding of the Year has already taken place so I guess you have to settle for the title of Wedding of the Evening Between the Hours of 6 and 8. UsWeekly reports that T.I. and the mother of his two children Tameka “Tiny” Cottle made it legal at a Miami Beach courthouse yesterday after almost 10 years together. The bride wore a “f**kING FINALLY” face and the groom wore a pair of beer goggle eyeballs (as always).

Tiny and T.I.’s wedding tour will continue today on a small island off the coast of Miami. They will exchange vows in front of their friends and family. Then everyone will get on a plane and fly to Atlanta for another wedding reception. And if Tiny doesn’t pbutt out in her trough by then, the plan is to fly to Las Vegas later tonight for a third reception with their friends.

Somebody lock down the lily pond, because the last thing T.I. needs is for Kermit the Frog to crash one of the wedding receptions to steal his bride.

And hopefully, the orchestra at one of their ten million receptions plays this when Tiny strolls into the room:

Meare Kat, the busted down, raggedy butt, fugly stuffed animal cat who is making the media rounds in England after he was left behind in a tearoom in Suffolk!

Last Sunday, the tearoom’s owner Liz Everett discovered Meare Kat sitting by himself in her shop. Some absent-minded bisney (or a black hearted child who should be arrested for abandoning a stuffed animal) left Meare Kat all alone. So Liz decided to start a Facebook page to find his rightful owner.

Meare Kat’s page currently has almost 6,000 followers who get on that sh*t just to see his daily adventures, which include rowing a boat and looking at ice cream. Liz said that she started this mission to reunite Meare Kat with his owner, because a long butt time ago her own son lost his stuffed toy and had the sads for days because of it.

Liz told the Daily Mail, “When Justin was just small my husband and I took him to the Lake District and we had a picnic and lost Justin’s bear, Scruff. We spent the whole evening in the fog trying to find this bear and we never did. It took Justin four days to accept another toy and I can imagine another family going through four sleepless nights with an inconsolable child. That’s why I’m desperately trying to find his owners.”

So far not one person has come forward to claim Meare Kat. I say that Liz should put Meare Kat on a flight bound for California so that he can curl up into Brit Brit’s mangy weave and hang out in there for a while. Brit won’t know and Meare Kat will have all the Cheetos dust and Slim Jim bits he can sniff. That’s the life. And if that doesn’t work out, Meare Kat can always knock on Jennifer Aniston’s front door. She’ll dress him up in a tuxedo and add him to the pile of suitors in her stuffed animal room!

B.J. Novak (31)
Eric Lively (29)
Ben Chaplin (40)
Dean Cain (44)
J.K. Rowling (44)
Fatboy Slim (47)
Wesley Snipes (48)
Mark Cuban (52)
Don Murray (81)

The Lohan family regularly uses a Slap Chop to dice their rocks and have been known to use a ShamWow to wipe the fake tan grease off of Nana Lohan’s cheek when they kiss her, so it sort of makes sense that Lindsay Lohan would be friends with hooker beater ShamWow Vince and shoot a cameo in his sh*tematic masterpiece. What doesn’t make a snort of sense is that LiLo continues to f**k with Marilyn Monroe by dressing up as her any chance she gets. What has MM done to LL to deserve this?! Marilyn Monroe is about to roll her coffin all the way to Larry H. Parker’s office to file a copyright infringement lawsuit against LiLo. Jeanne Carmen is lowering her rose-tinted shades and looking down on all of this!

Before LiLo turned herself into the clink, she played a SCRAM-wearing Marilyn Monroe-alike who shoots off the hand that feeds her whiskey in ShamWow Vince’s Underground Comedy Movie 2010. That mess is basically a redo of Vince’s Underground Comedy 1999 which starred Joey Buttafuoco. Below is a trailer which features supermodels sh*tting, pigs licking peen and LiLo!

I really hope Debbie Allen comes back to choreograph the Oscars next year, because I’d really love to see her dance interpretation of Underground Comedy Movie 2010 since it will obviously receive a nomination in every category. Trust this.