When I first saw these pictures of prolific philosopher Megan Fox in Hawaii looking like the bodybuilding toddler with stress balls in his chest, I wondered why in the hell would she ever get David Silver’s government name tattooed near pussy bone. But then I came across this picture (see what I did there?):

Maybe I’m dizzy in the head from the hot dog salad and 4 vodka strawberry sodas I just swallowed, but I’d throw myself on top of a table and take a tattoo needle for Brian Austin Green. Hell, I’d even slip on an Admiral Ackbar mask and a blonde wig and let him call me Donna Martin. And if that’s not a peen print, just lie to me and tell me it is. It’s a holiday!

Tara Reid shows off her new bikini body, and suddenly I’ve got a serious craving for overcooked pork buns and dehydrated shredded beef – Daily Mail

Hillbilly camel toe alert! And that knock on your door is the police coming to take you to jail for looking at this mess - Egotastic!

Sheryl Crow in a two-piece – Hollywood Tuna

I QUIT THIS bisney: The Guillermo del Toro edition – HuffPo

Bombsh*t McGeeYoureADumbWhore says she isn’t a racist, she just hates Jews – Celebisneyy

Chuck Bbutt’ favorite cuddle partner is topless – Socialite Life

This picture of Kristen Stewart sucking on a fag and double fingering the camera should be the next Twilight poster – Lainey Gossip

And then they all threw Billy Goat Brad into the tub and scrubbed the sand crabs and pieces of seaweed out of his beard – Radar Online

But does Sting and Ricky Martin’s carpet match the cotton candy drapes? – Towleroad

This is why you should always wear an oven mitt over your peen when you bake – Metro UK

Rest in peace, Ali-Ollie Woodson - Just Jared

Another rest in peace goes out to Hurley’s chihuahua – ONTD

Unless La Pequeña gives a concert on the back of an El Camino in the parking lot of an El Super in South Gate, CA, this video right here is the most glamorous thing you’ll see all week.

When the cops in Peru got into it with a stunning trans flower, her fellow beauties stepped in to defend her butt. The cops busted out of there, because they knew that they are powerless against several pairs of heavenly eyebrows that could make a grown cholita weep for days. The moral of this story is, don’t ever f**k with a bisney in exquisite lucite heels.

via Buzzfeed (Thanks Mark)

Anybody who has already scrubbed their skin off with a scouring brush after reading Linda Lovelace’s Wiki bio knows that she went through some nightmare-inducing sh*t (e.g. dog sex, rape porn) before her death. And apparently, the Linda Lovelace biopic starring Lindsay Lohan focuses on that nasty sucio sh*t. Vanilla Gorilla is already giving it two thumbs up!

Aerik Von of the fetish site deadlydommes.com tells Page Six that he’s read the script for Inferno and said it’s Lifetime meets a horror movie. Aerik said that the movie features scene after scene of Linda Lovelace’s former husband Chuck Traynor torturing her both physically and emotionally.

Aerik went on to explain, “Traynor kicks her to a pulp. She’s made to say terrible things about herself while in the middle of sex acts. After her boyfriend buttaults her, he kisses her bruises and asks, ‘Does this feel good?’ It’s very sensational. There are not so much plot devices as shock tactics. The movie’s obviously designed to just outright disturb [with] the combination of childhood imagery and absolute outright depraved perversions.“

Why didn’t they just release her private home movies? f**k. Basically it sounds like a full-length version of the butt-to-butt scene from Requiem for a Dream starring someone who is mostly known for degrading herself in public. That sounds about as pleasant as getting motorboated by Pinhead. White Oprah must be so proud. I’m not being sarcastic either. bisney really is proud. She’ll be the one on the set proudly screaming, “That’s my girl!“

Here’s LiLo trolling around Malibu yesterday. Also, TMZ has a picture of LiLo showing off her SCRAM while writing in her journal about all things she’s going to do to a bottle of Jack after her anklet comes off. The proceeds from the sale of picture are going to an “undisclosed charity for alcohol education treatment.” That’s just fancy fake talk for LiLo’s coke fund jar.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s bony claws of death failed to choke out the gigantic nose dingle known as Shrek. SATC2: Horny Mummies in the Desert was expected to take the #1 spot this weekend even though almost every critic Cleveland Steamrolled that bisney, but it came up short behind Shrek.

That other movie about sexy ladies baring their succulent chichis and whipping their weaves in the desert, Princess of Persia, came in third. Here’s the Top 5 of the weekend:

1. Shrek Forever After – $43.3 million
2. SATC2 – $32.1 million
3. Prince of Persia – $30.1 million
4. Iron Man 2 – $16 million
5. Robin Hood – $10.3 million

SATC2 is over two hours long so there is no way I’m going to sign up for that KY and Lanacane party. I would leave the theater with blood shot eyes, cotton mouth and a newfound hate for myself. I can achieve that feeling for free by masturbating in front of a mirror. Besides, why bother seeing that cinematic yeast infection when you can stay at home and read the reviews instead.

Lindy West’s review should be stamped onto every SATC2 poster as a warning. Here’s a taste from The Stranger:

SATC2 takes everything that I hold dear as a woman and as a human—working hard, contributing to society, not being an entitled person like it’s my job—and rapes it to death with a stiletto that costs more than my car. It is 146 minutes long, which means that I entered the theater in the bloom of youth and emerged with a family of field mice living in my long, white mustache. This is an entirely inappropriate length for what is essentially a home video of gay men playing with giant Barbie dolls.

This is exactly why there should be a SATC3. That sh*t unleashes everyone’s inner person. It makes us all unite in personness! More! More! More!

Here’s SJP arriving in Tokyo yesterday, and at the SATC2 photo call with Mrs. Rojo, Kim Cattrall and that other one.

Hormel’s Frank ‘N Stuff Hot Dogs!

It’s Memorial Day here in the US, the day we honor the men and women who fought for our country by filling our mouth holes with dozens of wieners like Gay Al Reynolds on any night of the week.

But you know what would make this Memorial Day a whole lot easier? If Hormel still sold their Frank ‘N Stuff Hot Dogs, because shoveling that heavy butt chili onto your hot dog causes too much strain on your fragile wrist. Frank ‘N Stuff Hot Dogs, which were discontinued in the late 80s, came with the chili IN the hot dog. They made a cheese version too. So when you bit into the hot dog, you got a load of chili (or cheese) to the froat! It’s what you get when you toss Kirstie Alley’s salad! Or maybe it’s what Kirstie Alley wishes for when she tosses another bisney’s salad. Both!

Below is the commercial for Frank ‘N Stuff. Hormel not only needs to re-release this sh*t, but they also need to put out a beer-filled hot dog. Holding a hot dog and a plastic cup filled with the sweet nectar at the same time is HARD!

Colin Farrell (34)
Eric Christian Olsen (33)
Sandrine Bonnaire (43)
Phil Keoghan (43)
Brooke Shields (45)
Corey Hart (48)
Lea Thompson (49)
Chris Elliott (50)
Tom Berenger (61)
Sharon Gless (67)
Joe Namath (67)
Clint Eastwood (80)

(Image via Flickr)