I think it’s safe to say that we all co-sign the look on the faces of the two people behind Lindsay Lohan. That’s a “Shaking My Head Without Shaking It” look if I ever saw one. That’s basically how we all feel about this mess.

TMZ is predicting that Lindsay Lohan will go to jail for violating the terms of her probation for DUI. Bloatedhan was supposed to go to alcohol education clbuttes every single week, but since she’s Lindsay Lohan she barely shows up. The judge warned her that if she didn’t complete the courses she would go directly to jail.

The University of Jack Daniels (or wherever Lindsay goes) hasn’t turned her in for not showing up, because they are only required to let the court know about truancy if the student hasn’t attended clbutt for 21 days. The trick knows how to trick the system so she usually waited until the 21st day to show up for clbutt.

Lindsay’s lawyer said this, “We have received no negative written report from the program and contend Ms. Lohan is therefore in compliance.”

In Lindsay’s defense, how in the hell can she go to booze ed clbuttes when she’s always tanked?! bisney should just tell the judge that she’s already highly educated on the subject of booze. In fact, several bars in the Los Angeles area have named her their official Valedrunktorian. So she should be teaching a master clbutt on booze, not taking one.

And I would like to think that the judge will shock us all by throwing her in the chokey for a long butt time. Then she will sober up, fall in love with her cellmate (a gentle cholita dyke named La Chona) and the two will move to Mexico where they will open up a taco stand by the beach. But that won’t happen. Lindsay will stroll into jail, make new drug contacts and then stroll back out 90-minutes later. That’s the way the crack rock crumbles.

Here’s a few pictures of Lindsay and the Wicked Witch of Long Island leaving Los Angeles yesterday. Do not make the first thumbnail bigger or you might feel the urge to throw a glbutt of water at the screen.

Thanks to Rosanna Scotto of Fox5 in NYC, today’s phrase that pays is: SOY JIZZUM! Try using it in a sentence today. Example: When your abuelita asks you how you’re doing, simply say, “SOY JIZZUM!” Or don’t. That might be awkward.

In other news, the open post is going up early today because I have to run my dog to the vet. Dude has got the ills. He didn’t eat anything yesterday and that is saying everything. Unlike me, he will eat a vegetable if I put it under his mouth. But when I tried to give him a piece of turkey last night, he threw me shade. And he’s been crying in pain all morning. I shouldn’t have read him that story about the memaw f**king on her grandson. He will never be the same again.

Anyway, I’ll be back!

(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

Halle Berry has reportedly been ejected from the 24-hour hot piece ride named Gabriel Aubry. Radar has it on good authority that Gabriel pink-slipped Halle after 5 years, because he didn’t feel the relationship was working anymore. A source says that Halle and Gabriel have already worked out a custody deal. They will share custody of their 2-year-old daughter Nahla and Gabriel will walk away without a cent from Halle. Uh huh.

The source says that they broke up months ago, because Gabriel’s peen started to get the fever for other women. The source explains, “When they were first together the 9-year age difference between them didn’t phase him, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever dated and he was totally in love. But as time went on he started feeling it more and more. Also, Gabriel started noticing other women, and being attracted to other, and he felt it just wasn’t right to stay with Halle in those circumstances. Gabriel is a really nice, decent guy and he would never cheat on her, but I suspect that he had become attracted to someone and that he felt he needed to break it off with Halle before anything developed any further.“

Gabriel has a face and body that can launch a thousand genitals into a sea of crotch milk, but he’s kind of simple in the brains, right? Just because your dick gets a craving for a different flavor of snatch doesn’t mean you’re a cheater. It means you’re f**king human! Even if I was Mr. Mah Boo Anderson Cooper, I would still perk up when a hot piece strolled by. Did I just type that out loud? I didn’t mean that, Mah Boo! I would never wink at another. Well, unless Rojo Caliente and Carrot Top merged into one person. But only then!

However, at least Gabriel told Halle to git gone before his peen joined the manwhore parade. If you’re going to do it, that is how you do it (I’m staring at you Vanilla Gorilla and Tiger).

If Vadge’s “Express Yourself” video and a remake of her “Human Nature” video done by round-the-way trannies borrowed Lady Caca’s prosthetic penis to f**k each other in the Showgirls costume closet, it would look just like Xtina’s “Not Myself Tonight” video. Watch as Xtina thumps, bumps and sluts her way to the middle!

It’s a good thing MTV doesn’t play music videos anymore, because if they did they could never show this. On the other hand, Spice Xcess TV will be playing this video on a loop. So will Vanilla Gorilla. Although, he’s going to watch it while blasting “Heil Hitler Marschlied.“

Since Xtina is parading around like a foolish skank ho who will hump on anything but dignity….I LOVE THIS! When all else fails, do ho sh*t in a church. This is Pope Eggs Benedict approved!

Do you Mr. McGee take Ms. Bombshell to be your lawfully wedded bisney ho?
- ” Heil”
And do you Ms. Bombsell take Mr. Neo Nazi to be your lawfully wedded hate monger?
- “Heil”
You may slap the bride…….. – fleawatch

Runners-up:

Vanilla Gorilla decided it’s not so bad if he marries all his hos. – moistiest

What happens at Seth Green’s Wedding,
Stays at Seth Green’s Wedding – nclgemini

With record sales at an all-time low, Xtina moonlights as a wedding planner. – sonah22

Thanks Tenley

La Duquesa de Alba or as her close friends call her, Doña Maria del Rosario Cayetana Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Francisca Fitz-James Stuart y Silv!

Curtsy, motherf**kers! Because you are in the presence of true Spanish royalty! Doña Maria is the current reigning Duchess of Alba and head of the House of Alba. No wonder Jessica Alba always looks like Oscar the Grouch farted in her face. It’s because she knows that there’s a hotter Alba on this planet that she will never EVER be able to touch. Stay mad, Jessica.

Anybody who has “James Stuart (close enough to Stewart)” in their full name is a wonderful guardian angel! Every time a bell rings, La Duquesa de Alba just queefed.

Here’s more pictures of the gloriously radiant Doña Maria. If Baby Jane was a Klingon…..

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