Lindsay Lohan Finally Kisses A Bitch Who Looks Her Own Age
LiLo is not kissing on Roberto Cavalli because she loves the feel of charbroiled flesh against her collage-stuffed worm lips. LiLo is trying to distract Roberto while her hand snatches his wallet. And since sticky fingers (in more ways than one) LiLo is such a pro, bisney also managed to get her hands between Roberto’s butt crack and pull a diamond stud off of his butt lips without him noticing. Who ever said the ho doesn’t have talents?
But seriously now, LiLo should pose next to Roberto more often, because his sun-dried tomato complexion makes her skin look somewhat clean. Usually, I have take several moist towelettes to my monitor after going through pictures of LiLo. And I only had to do that once (see the last picture) this time!
Here’s more of the hardest working non-worker in the business partying it up with Robert Cavalli in Milan over the weekend.
70% Alice in Wonderland
Director and subject matter make for a perfect marriage in Tim Burton’s version of the Lewis Carroll clbuttic.
Kiss My Ass!
Whitney Houston rolled into Sydney Airport this morning looking like the crazy lady in your neighborhood who hacks at her front yard weeds with a kitchen knife at 12 in the morning, and threatens to shoot you with a BB gun if you try to pet one of her 80 cats. DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!
There’s no need to get on the phone with Dr. Drew just yet. Whitney looks raggedy rough, because she spent the entire night looking for her hairline and she still hasn’t found it.
Either that, or one of her infamous doody bubbles is being stubborn and refuses to pop! Where’s Bobby B’s finger when you need it?
Blame JLove
Jennifer Love Hewitt recently told George Lopez of all people about how she regularly vagazzles her chocha and recommends that every woman join her. Well, Bryce Gruber from the Luxury Spot got vajazzled at a salon in NYC to see what the hell that moron JLove is raving about.
I learned a few things while watching this enlightening video. First of all, they shouldn’t call it vagazzling, because the crystals don’t actually touch your puss. They should call it fupazzling.
Second of all, getting fupazzled really limits all the sexual positions you can do with your f**k time partner. Well, unless your f**k partner gets off on getting scratched the hell up by sharp objects.
Third of all, the fupazzling makers should really market this towards crazed Twitards, because this looks like a syphilis rash you would get from Edward Cullen.
Fourth of all, the “look 4 less” version of this can be achieved using an old stencil, a can of silver spray paint and a handful of craft glitter.
via Buzzfeed
The Itchiest Bitch
If you just got back from Sunday service where you drank all the Blood of Christ, snorted a handful of crushed down communion wafers and free-based holy water in the bathroom, turn around and go back to do it all again. Save yourself and don’t click “play” on this video above. It will only leave you with itchy retinas and a million unanswered questions.
World Star Hip Hop says that some mysterious character sent them this video featuring pictures of the rapper Trina, the self-proclaimed “baddest bisney,” in all her whory glory. The mystery dude, who disguised his voice for this mess, claims the pictures are from Trina’s cell phone.
The most terrifying part of this video isn’t Trina’s hernia nipples or her pussy on a bed of crusty caca. It’s picture after picture of a nasty butt rash! The mystery dude says she caught the rash doing some nasty red light sh*t, but it looks like hives to me. Nothing more. And honestly, the vagina and rash pictures could be of anyone.
I just had to share this with you, so I’m not the only one giving themselves a Calamine sponge bath today.
And are we sure this isn’t a lost scene from Saw?
via ONTD
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Zhora, the alcoholic Russian chimp who has been forced into rehab by his people.
Unfortunately for us, Zhora is one of those shy drunks, so there’s no pictures of him in action. Instead I had to use this picture of some chimp sucking on a water bottle in Shanghai. Just pretend that this Chinese chimp is Russian, and that the bottle of water is vodka. If that doesn’t work for you, just go to Google Images and type in “Mel Gibson.” That will give you hundreds of pictures of a drunk chimp.
Reuters reports that Zhora originally worked as a circus performer, but was sent to live in a zoo in Rostov after he got a little too aggressive. While at the zoo, Zhora discovered life’s four greatest pleasures: Sharpies, f**king, boozing and smoking! Yes, Zhora is totally your chimp.
When Zhora wasn’t drawing pictures with a Sharpie (aka sniffing that sh*t behind the cave) or wet humping on lady chimps, he was begging tourists for booze and cigarettes. Since you can’t deny a drunk chimp (ask Denise Richards), the tourists regularly gave Zhora what he wanted.
After Zhora got his 6th DUI, was caught with a dead hooker in his trunk and developed a major addiction to smoking banana skins, his handlers sent him off to rehab.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to buy a chimp suit and a ticket to Russia. I mean, a never-ending supply of Sharpies, free booze and cigarettes? We’re all in the wrong business.
(Thanks to all who sent this in)
Birthday Sluts
Gavin MacLeod (80)
Fefe Dobson (25)
Karolina Kurkova (26)
Ali Larter (34)
Tangi Miller (36)
Rory Cochrane (38)
Robert Sean Leonard (41)
Rae Dawn Chong (49)
John Turturro (53)
Cindy Wilson (53)
Gilbert Gottfried (55)
Mercedes Ruehl (62)
Mike Figgis (62)
Bernadette Peters (62)
Stephanie Beacham (63)
Kelly Bishop (66)
Mario Andretti (70)
Tommy Tune (71)
Charles Durning (87)
78% Alice in Wonderland
Director and subject matter make for a perfect marriage in Tim Burton’s version of the Lewis Carroll clbuttic.
Jim Carrey Is A Pepaw
Jim Carrey’s daughter Jane gave birth to a baby friend of the male variety in Los Angeles last night. This is Jane’s first kid with her musician husband Alex Santana (no relation to Carlos, I tink). People has the details:
Jane and husband Alex Santana welcomed their first child, son Jackson Riley Santana, at 12:28 a.m. Friday in Los Angeles, PEOPLE confirms. He weighed in at 7 lbs., 11 oz, and measured 20 inches long.
Granpappy Jim also Tweeted the first picture of his grandchild, and Jackson sure does look like a newborn baby.
To anybody who saw Ace Ventura in the theaters, the news of Jim Carrey becoming a grandfather will probably make you feel old. AND YOU ARE! Your sciatica doesn’t hurt because you went a little overboard at that anal sex key party last night. It’s because YOU ARE OLD! You didn’t fall asleep 5-minutes into Law & Order the other night, because the new kind of weed you’re trying out gives you the sleepies. It’s because YOU ARE OLD!
Yes, we’ll all be checking into retirement communities soon. Actually, that’s not such a bad idea, because those old geezers really know how to party. It’s just like college, but with more prescription meds. And you don’t have to worry about your one-night stand getting all clingy afterwards. There’s a 100% chance that your one-night stand at the retirement community won’t even remember who are you in the morning. See you there!
Marie Osmond’s Son Commits Suicide
Marie Osmond’s 18-year-old son Michael Biosil committed suicide in Los Angeles last night by jumping from his downtown apartment building. Donny Osmond confirmed the sad news to Entertainment Tonight (of course). Donny released this short statement to them:
“My family and I are devastated and in deep shock by the tragic loss of our dear Michael and ask that everyone respect our privacy during this difficult time.“
Michael left a note behind explaining to his family that he just couldn’t deal with his life-long battle with depression, anymore and felt like he was completely alone and didn’t fit in. Damn, that’s bringing the sads.
Could today’s news get anymore awful with the earthquake in Chile, the tsunami warning in Hawaii and now this. Let’s just all get in a room and surround ourselves with Marie’s dolls. Like this.
Rest in peace, Michael.