When I woke up this morning, I was hoping to see new pictures of a hot piece with wood, but this is not really what I had in mind. That being said, my genitals will still snatch it up and run.

Here’s Colin Farrell at LAX with his latest baby mama Alicja Bachleda, and also sunning his nipples in Mexico.

Colin and Alicja decided to leave their 2-month old baby friend at home, because nothing kills orgasms like non-stop crying and the scent of fresh diarrhea. Well, unless you’re Sarah Jessica Parker. That bisney sniffs a dirty diaper like it’s a bottle of poppers.

Chelsea Clinton and her boyfriend Marc Mezvinsky are officially engaged. Like for real this time. There were rumors that the two already attached ball and chains to their ankles in Martha’s Vineyard this past summer, but that was just all a lie. They sent out this e-mail to friends and family:

“We’re sorry for the mbutt email but we wanted to wish everyone a belated Happy Thanksgiving! We also wanted to share that we are engaged! We didn’t get married this past summer despite the stories to the contrary, but we are looking toward next summer and hope you all will be there to celebrate with us. Happy Holidays! Chelsea & Marc”

Hooray. Pbutt out the cigars…. Actually, that probably isn’t a smart move.

And in hotter news, while I was looking for a picture of Chelsea and Marc, I came across this stunning work of art that made my fingers stop in their tracks and my skin catch on fire for a quick second (insert your flamer joke here):

This gorgeous plate of fried tomatoes and sauteed eggplant was photographed outside of a Barbara Streisand concert, which was attended by Chelsea. I really hope Chelsea makes this woman her flower memaw. She deserves the position.

Anyway, congrats to Chelsea and Marc. And thanks to them, because if they didn’t get engaged I would’ve never come across this gorgeous specimen.

Cops from the Florida Highway Patrol knocked on Tiger Woods’ door several times this weekend to interview him about murdering a fire hydrant and other things. Tiger’s lawyer shut the door in the faces of the officers like they were Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Apparently, Tiger is keeping his lips sealed. But Tiger did manage to release this statement on his website. Just picture Elin Nordegren standing over his butt with a golf club in her hand and a “bisney DON’T” look in her eye while he wrote this. It’ll make more sense that way.

As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrbutting to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other buttertion is absolutely false.

This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.

The statement still wasn’t enough for the FHP to drop the subject. TMZ says they are working on getting a search warrant, so that they can peek into Tiger’s medical files to see if the scratches on his face came from the accident or Elin’s CLAW OF REVENGE. If they find out that his injuries came from the hand of Elin, she could be arrested for domestic abuse.

Meanwhile, Tiger’s rumored mistress whore Rachel Uchitel immediately rushed to Los Angeles this weekend to meet with lawyer to the famewhores Gloria Allred. Rachel has already publicly denied the affair, but that isn’t stopping her from milking this cow until it is completely dry. And even then, she will continue to pull on its utters until its organs fall out. Or until she gets her own reality show. Either or.

Some hos (with extra chromosomes) spend their entire lives searching for the elusive and mythical creature known as the Jackalope. And here’s singer Paloma Faith casually strolling through some event in London the other night with one of her chest! This crazy trick is acting like nothing is wrong. A Jackalope died from humping on her breasts, and she’s smiling like we shouldn’t be running to our kitchen to grab a bag of flour to douse her with.

And if Paloma is wearing the carcbutt of a Jackalope on her titties, I don’t even want to know what kind of chupacabra-like creature she’s wearing as panties.

While The Hoff dried out in the psych ward on Saturday night, his ex-wife Pamela was put into handcuffs for driving while under the influence of booze. That family and the sweet nectar are f**king done professionally.

Pamela told TMZ that she was with her daughters earlier in the evening, trying to comfort them because their father is in the hospital. After she wiped their tears, she went off to dinner to booze her sorrows away. Pamela claims she only had a few drinks, but she blew a .14 on a breathalyzer test, so she must have been doing Big Gulp-sized shots.

Pamela was later released on $15,000 bail. This is her second DUI in one year, which means she’ll probably have to spend some time in a jail cell.

After her arrest, Pamela told TMZ, “I am remorseful and mortified. I am going through a really difficult time between David being in the hospital and dealing with the divorce.”

If you want to booze through your problems, then at least do it right. Do what we all do. Take the bottle, go to the bathroom, lock the door, turn on the shower, sit against the wall and bawl your eyes out while listening to Carly Simon’s Greatest Hits. Don’t get behind the wheel of anything with a motor.

And somewhere in a Vh1 board room, Dr. Drew is pitching Celebrity Rehab: Family Edition.