There’s a reason why Orlando Blooms looks like the member of a Rock Star Supernova cover band. The Kim Zolciak approved possum wig and douchy tattoos (the tree framing his nip is kind of poetic, though) are for a movie he’s shooting L.A. called Sympathy for Delicious.

Orlando always struck me as one of those precious f**ks. Do you know what I mean? The kind that caresses and cuddles on you for a long butt time before getting to the X-rated sh*t! The kind that is operating on Skinemax mode when you’re on Spice Network mode. They’re kissing on your neck and you’re thinking, “Can you stick and bust already, so I can go watch some HGTV.” And I bet when Orlando is about to bust one, he faintly ahhhhhhs. Then he probably wants to spoon while he whispers in your ear and strokes your hair. Why ruin a good f**k with lovey dovey sh*t?

That being said, I’d turn on some HGTV and let him take his sweet time hitting it from the back.

Pop out the Raid and put on your insect-stopping boots, Adnan Ghalib and Sam Lutfi are back in the news. Before we get into it. I can’t lie. I’d let Adnan stick the tip in and rotate. I know, but it’s Friday night and I’m buzzin’ it (as my chola cousin would say).

Anyitssuckstobealoneandhorny, TMZ says Brit Brit’s lawyers skipped over to the court this morning to get a restraining order keeping Landing Strip and Sam. Daddy Spears and that Wallet dude think that those two roaches tried to sabotage Brit’s conservatorship “in a way that would be extremely harmful to her.” Daddy Spears also got a restraining order against a lawyer bisney named Jon Eardley. Jon apparently helped Sam to attack the conservatorship. Why do I picture them in G.I. Joe costumes chasing Daddy Spears with paint ball guns?

A source also said that Brit Brit said she is afraid of Sam and Adnan and wants them both in jail. They probably wouldn’t mind sharing the same cell since I always had the feeling they were fingering each other’s glazed donut holes.

Basically, Daddy Spears is doing the job he is getting paid to do. He should treat himself to an extra lap dance at the Spearmint Rhino in Torrance. You know he totally visits that clbutty establishment.

And writing about these two f**ktards really makes me reminisce about the old days. Sometimes I still sit on the toilet wondering what ever happened to Carla and London the pooch. Someone really needs to do a documentary on this sh*t. Pbuttengers On The Cheetotrain to Crazy: Where Are They Now?

Lady Vadge will flee her native England and return to America with her kids in tow. It’s Christmas again in the UK! The Evening Standards says Vadge has temporarily won the right to take Rocco and David to NYC. That sh*t will become forever permanent in a couple of weeks.

Vadge and Guy Ritchie were divorced a couple of months ago, but never decided on where the kids will live. Guy apparently wanted the boys to continue to go to school in England, but Vadge wanted them with her in NYC. Vadge won. She always wins!

A source close to the situation said, “Everything is going to be resolved in the next couple of weeks. Everything is going well. It’s pretty amicable at the moment. Things are progressing. There was a issue about where the children should live but that has been decided in Madonna’s favor.”

This sounds like a wonderful decision. Who needs a father around anyway? I grew up without my father around all the time and I turned out beautifully. Yes, I regularly cry in my shower wondering why my daddy left me, but other than that, I’m totally normal.

And I feel like both of our governments should have worked together on this. Since we’re getting Vadge back, England should have to take one of our useless celebwhores. Parasite Hilton is there right now! Keep her. Oh and keep Vadge’s accent too.

I was going through these pictures of Tater Head at the Push premiere with some tricks and it hit me like a stale potato pancake! bisney needs some gorgeous chola eyebrows to transform her from a buttery potato to the cholita goddess of my dreams! Rumer has finally come into her own thanks to Photoshop and some Sharpie eyebrows I jacked from some low-budget chola. This is the Rumer she was meant to be!

Now what should her chola name be? La Tater Girl? Las Fritas? Actually, Rumer is already a f**king chola name.

KFed and his girl piece, who always looks like she’s on her way to high school volleyball practice, left a bowling alley last night and found their SUV covered in dollars. That skanky butt SUV was probably selling $1 blow jobs in the parking lot. It f**ks for money just like its owner.

Seriously, the paps thought it was be really heeeeeelarious to throw some dollar bills on KFed’s windshield. Those pappies must be Richie Riches, because I don’t know who is throwing bills around like that in this economy.

You know KFed drove to the nearest MACDonald’s (that’s what my mom calls it) and bought everything on the dollar menu times two. He might have bought his girlfriend something too. He really should have taken that money to buy some damn clothes so he can quite stealing sh*t from Queen Latifah’s closet.

Which baseball heartthrob may be playing for the other team? He secretly slides into bed with Florida fellas. (Gatecrasher)

I’ve been waiting for a good gay blind item, but this one is about sports. Ugh. My guess is A-Rod? Vadge’s roided-up cooch put him off the snatch for good.

Why is this pregnant Fashionista not revealing that she is married to her Actor boyfriend? Sources say she is keeping quiet because she is still trying to get money from her rich Ex-husband. (Down2Front via BG)

Kimorazilla!!?!! And I say get that money!

Which irritating US celeb is used to doormen and valets taking her drugs into clubs for her, but in London has to carry her own stash? (Popbisney via BG)

Irritating? This must be Wonky?

I don’t even know why I am making this a blind item, so I will make it as obvious as possible. This foreign born B+ film actress with A+ name recognition and her producer/director husband have called it quits. They have been trying to make a go of it for her daughter, but it just is not working at all. They are not trying to hide it, but they haven’t taken the time to announce it either. (CDAN)

Kate Beckinsale and that sexy hot piece director Len Wiseman?

(Thanks to Stephanie for the pic)

St. Angie isn’t wearing a hospital gown. This is headline news. You’ve been informed. – Popsugar

Feeling too clean today? Well, here’s a Miley Cyrus picture that will make you feel dirty – Egotastic!

Matthew Mitcham and his oh-so-happy trail on The Advocate – Towleroad

Cady out, Karen in – Lainey Gossip

Sex ON a horse courtesy of Diesel (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

RiRi giving a little “I’m thinking about you” pat to her crotch friend - Hollywood Tuna

They failed to capture DanRad’s beautiful unibrow – Just Jared

Wonky McValtrex’s nasty butt tail - Cityrag

Yet another has-been pipes in on Fatgate 2009 – UsWeekly

It looks like Juliette Lewis is wearing her own clothes in her new movie – Hollywood Rag

Thanks J