Happy New Year, Sluts!
While I’m still coherent, I just want to thank all of you whores for dealing with my butt this year. If I could give all of you a handjob while feeding you Mother’s Circus Animal Cookies, I would. And I would do it with love.
I was going to do a whole post toasting my favorite crap from 2008, but honestly, I tried to stay drunk and stoned through most of the year, so I don’t remember that much. And seriously, who f**king cares? Let’s just hope 2009 is filled with many more beautiful gifts like Spaghetti Cat, Rojo Caliente, The Shiba Inu 6, Mah Boo, Kim Zolciak’s back alley wig, c-word slips, Chicken Cutlets, The Empress of Lucite, La Pequeña, etc…. Oh sh*t. I just listed some of my favorite things. I have a genius memory!
Anyihopeiblackouttonight, Happy New Whore to everyone! Get drunk and get dicked!
Charles Barkley Just Wanted His Dick Sucked!
I never in my life thought I would want to party and do hood rat stuff with Charles Barkley, but now that’s all I want to do after reading this sh*t. So, Charles was busted for DUI in Arizona early this morning. According to the police report, when the cop pulled him over for running a stop sign, Charles said he was just in a rush to get his dick sucked! If I was the officer, I’d let the bisney go on his way. I’m all about hos sucking dick and getting their dicked sucked.
TMZ says the officer wrote in his report, “He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the pbuttenger seat. He asked me to admit that she was ‘hot.’ He asked me, ‘You want the truth?’ When I told him I did he said, ‘I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job. He then explained that she had given him a ‘blow job’ one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life.”
This explains Charles’ sweaty mug shot above. He was suffering from a bad case of blue balls. Now, if Charles’ ho was so skilled at sucking dick, she should be a master at road head. There’s no need to pull over! Any expert peen sucker knows just how to handle it without your head touching the steering wheel. A real pro can even shift gears while making out with the wang.
Charles’ comedy act didn’t stop there. At the police station, drunk butt Charles told one of the employees that if they got him out of the DUI, he’d tattoo HIS name on THEIR butt. Charles then laughed it off and corrected himself by saying he’d tattoo THEIR name on HIS butt. He’s a comedic genius. I think I’m going to tattoo Charles’ entire police report on my butt.
Because I’m a serious journalist, I did a little research on Charles and found that he’s still married with one kid. He’s also considering running for the Governor of Alabama in 2010. Let’s see: Charles is a gambling addict, was arrested for drunk driving, and will run a stop sign in order to get a little good head from some random trick. No need for election. It sounds like he has all the qualifications needed to become Alabama’s next Governor!
This Is Totally Gay Al’s Two-Piece
Gay Al is going to burst a cum bubble when he sees these pictures of Star stretching out yet another one of his favorite freakum suits in St. Barts earlier this month. You can even tell by the look on Star’s face that she knows Gay Al’s manpussy is going to pucker like crazy over this sh*t. Star’s not even wearing it right! She’s wearing the top backwards. Gay Al loves the way that top accentuates his sumptuous décolletage.
You know, I don’t mind Star’s fat band scars. They kind of look like meth pipe burns and I like that feature on a woman. Methinks 2009 is going to be about looking like a day shift truck stop hooker, so meth pipe burns are a must to complete the look. Star is already ahead of the game.
However, I really didn’t need to get intimate with Star’s world clbutt fupa. There’s enough fupa there to keep a large village warm at night. Warm and musty. No wonder Gay Al screamed “Oh my heavens!” every time Star tried to seduce him by wearing a sexy panty set from Torrid.
HoHan’s Brother Is Kind Of Hot
HoHan’s brother is not the dude with the bottle cap in his ear, he’s the other one. I’m a little grossed out that I think a Lohan is hot. And his name is Michael Lohan Jr. which is even worse. That means he has the crazy-in-the-brains gene. He also has the gene that makes it okay for you to wear your cell phone on your waistband. And even has a small case of “durr” face.
What the hell is wrong with me? My genitals need rehab and a stern talking to. But he is kind of hot, right? And he’s not checking HoHan out in that picture above, he probably spotted a coke dingle hanging out of her butt area.
Here’s HoHan looking like a dried out chicken bone in Miami. Her bikini body is courtesy of a strict diet of coke and cooch. I don’t think that the little boy in the last few thumbnails below was told by his parents to never kiss a Lohan. Free clinic here he comes!
Yes, Diddy, That Really Is Joaquin Phoenix
No, Diddy, he hasn’t been moisturizing the sexy. Joaquin hasn’t even been bathing the sexy. Obviously.
Joaquin Phoenix said “Bye! Good” to Hollywood and hello to butt bush bugs, seven layer cheese dick and fly nests in his ears. This is what f**king happens when you snort too much bunk coke and drink too many random cocktails left on the bar. I just want to give him a can of RAID and some Hazmat-approved antibacterial soap, because you know there’s baby roaches living in that beard.
That being said, I’d hit it with a clothespin on my nose. Well, his sparkly hair clip is fancy!
Here’s Joaquin, Casey Affleck, Brett Ratner and Diddy at a douche convention in Miami two nights ago. I bet you Joaquin only talks in his own language, because he thinks the government can hear all his conversations.
Afternoon Crumbs
Sandra Lee’s gross butt Kwanzaa cake will kill you - Buzzfeed
Axl Rose used to hit this - Egotastic!
Rita Crosby is right! There’s nothing wrong with some hot gay action - Towleroad
A blowfish in a bikini - Hollywood Tuna
Why must the paparazzi make MiserAlba even more miserable? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
A Motley Crew: George Clooney, Cindy Crawford & Kid Rock - Popsugar
If St. Angie stopped having babies, every stork in the world would kill itself - Lainey Gossip
Jennifer Garner is probably wondering why Ben keeps screaming “Matt” during sex - Just Jared
But Carrot Top is 100% organic! - Cityrag
The lezzies in prison are probably creaming themselves knowing Janine is on her way - Hollywood Rag
Some dumb bisney is suing the LAPD for forcing her to pretend to be Jamie Lynn - I’m Not Obsessed
Because babies save marriages! - Celebisneyy
Mandy Moore & DJ AM break-up, take 2 - ICYDK
Vintage Johnny Depp in chonies - SOW
Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick got swindled! - Socialite Life
The CAPTION THIS Contest For December 31st!
Memaw Jennifer Goes For The Nuts
Embedded video from CNN Video
There was a story a few years ago of a 93-year-old memaw in Lithuania who showed a burglar what’s what by grabbing on his skin berries and refusing to let go until the cops came. That story inspired Memaw “Jennifer” of Portland, Oregon to do the same thing when some nekkid butt criminal broke into her house and threw her old butt onto a chair. When the man had Jennifer on the chair, she reached around and gave him a nut job he will never forget. Vadge’s ball crushing vagina must be so proud.
Sadly, Memaw Jennifer didn’t pop one of his testicles, because he broke free from her hand and got away. The cops later found the nekkid moron and arrested him. They probably followed his raccoon screeches from getting his jizz bags crushed.
The punchline in this story is that the naked dude’s name is Michael Dick. Michael DICK! His dick is all he would have left if Memaw Jennifer got her way.
Above is Jennifer talking about her ordeal. I love what Jennifer screamed at Michael Dick, but I think she forgot a word. She obviously threw in the “person” word in there somewhere. It’s the official curse word for hardcore memaws.
And I hope that when I become an old lady, my house looks like that too.
Thanks Hexie
Happy New Year!
Here’s Paris Hilton celebrating New Year’s Eve at The Bongo Virus party in Sydney. Hold on, she’s in the future already?! Jesus, how did this happen? Aw man, she’s going to get VD all over 2009 before we even get there. Guess I better start practicing having it burn when I pee. Anyone got a lighter?
Happy New Year! I think. Goddammit, Paris…
Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony keep up appearances
In an effort to quash rampant divorce rumors, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have escaped to Puerto Rico for the next few days to prove their love is strong. Because being in the same place at the same time totally constitutes a healthy relationship. No, really, these two couldn’t be more convincing if they procreated on a fighter jet in front of my house. True story. E! News reports:
“They are on a holiday vacation,” says Anthony’s rep.
Two days ago, Lopez and Anthony met up with friends and family for dinner at Marmalade, a trendy, upscale restaurant in the old-town section of San Juan.
“Jennifer and Marc looked very happy, so it is hard for me to believe the rumors that their marriage is in trouble,” the eatery’s general manager, Trace Donaldson, tells E! News. “They were laughing and seemed to be having a great time.”
Okay, I get it. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have a large Latin audience who are devout Catholics. However, c’mon, these people love Ricky Martin who’s not only gay, but adopted twin babies whom the Bible says he will no doubt inject with his gayness. Yet, I guarantee his next album will go triple cayenne pepper, or whatever they use to notate musical success. [Edit: Kittens in sombreros.]
