Audrina Patridge uses her fake breasts to promote drinking (Folks, I think I’m love)
Audrina Patridge hosted an event for Bombay Sapphire in Vegas over the weekend proving she’s the only pure and decent thing to come out of The Hills. Audrina grasps the concept that nobody wants to hear her talk. Ever. Not even if the sound of her voice is the antidote for cancer. Just smile, wear a bikini then wait for your fleeting relevancy to be replaced by the next 21-year-old with implants who’s banging an MTV producer. Audrina Patridge, we salute you! Keep on truckin’!
Thanks to Marcine for knowing the key to my heart: Gin.
Britney Spears basically admits VMAs were staged, confesses her love of pizza
Britney Spears, who sweeped the VMAs with her video for “Piece of Me,” doesn’t even think it’s a good video. I mean, she made the thing while she thought she was a British nanny which proves those fat cats at MTV “bailed out” Britney. See what I did there? I’m poignant. Star reports:
“It’s a cool video, but I think by far I’ve done videos that are way better, so I was really shocked that it got the award. It was just inspiring, though, because now, going forward with the videos that I’m doing now, I can really go there and do something crazy and see what happens.”
She added that she’d be eating New York pizza before she leaves town — and not just one slice. “I eat what I want,” the workout fanatic said.
In related news, Britney Spears was severely burnt this afternoon when she attempted to dump the contents of an entire pizza oven in her mouth. First responders believe a Stromboli is the culprit but hesitated to speculate further until a forensics team arrives. In the meantime, Britney’s people say she dove out of the ambulance when it pbutted a Domino’s and request anyone who sees the pop star to contact law enforcement. She’s wearing a black- and red-striped shirt with a calzone seared into the collar.
Lindsay Lohan & Samantha Ronson in bikinis
Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson slip n’ slided down to Mexico yesterday, and I gotta tell you, I am shocked by these photos. Mostly because, after seeing Sam in a bikini, my penis didn’t run off screaming into a wood chipper. Jesus. Who saw that coming?
Paris Hilton debuts her new single, reality show
Paris Hilton’s new reality show Paris Hilton’s My New BFF starts tonight on MTV and it will feature her latest single “My BFF.” For those of you playing the home game, “BFF” stands for Big f**king Fail. Check out the lyrics on this trainwreck:
“All my life I’ve been waiting for someone I can trust, someone who will tell me the truth – even when it’s the hard thing to say.”
First off, I’ve got no problem telling Paris the truth: You have a smelly vagina. Second, take a listen to the song on KIIS-FM and tell me that’s not the same chick singing who does Heidi Montag’s songs. Seriously, whoever you are, stop it. You’re hurting America. In fact, Al Qaeda just called; they said “Thanks.”
Janet Jackson hospitalized – and I know why!
Janet Jackson was rushed to the hospital last night when she “got suddenly ill” before her concert in Montreal, according to the AP. No information was given on her condition, but Janet’s already rescheduling the show so it can’t be too serious. Of course, I already knew that having read this item from Page Six which will drop a hint right in your lap:
The other night, Dupri and his squeeze, Janet Jackson, went to Tenjune, where, spies say, they shared bottles of Jay-Z’s Ace of Spades Champagne and Patrón tequila with Ne-Yo, Busta Rhymes and Ice-T – until Dupri “vomited in Janet’s lap. Ms. Jackson bolted out of the scene and sped off in her chauffeured Maybach.” A rep for Jackson and Dupri didn’t return calls.
I’m pretty sure getting puked on my Jermaine Dupri isn’t exactly good for your health, but I’ve been wrong before. Like that time I thought I thought Brooke Hogan was a girl. Ha! I was way off.
Thanks to James who can not only hold his liquor but several buttorted meats and cheeses as well. True story.
Body of Lies
Though this thriller is the fourth collaboration between Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe, it marks the veteran director’s first pairing with Leonardo DiCaprio.
Express
This inspirational sports drama tackles the true story of Ernie Davis (Rob Brown, TAKE THE LEAD). The first black football player to win the coveted Heisman, Davis faced obstacles both on and off the field.
SamRo In A Bikini!
In high school, there was this majorly butchie gym teacher who basically made SamRo look like f**king Claudia Schiffer. A lot of dumb whores would mistakenly call her Mr. Honeycutt instead of Ms. Honeycutt (the names have been changed to protect the innocent). When it came time to get into the pool, Ms. Honeycutt came out in a tight one-piece swimsuit. It made all of us slap ourselves in the eyes, because we couldn’t believe what we were seeing. We expected this bull dyke to come out in an oversized t-shirt and trunks to her knees. It made me feel uncomfortable at first, but then it was kind of hot. I like the unexpected.
I sort of felt the same way while looking at these pictures of SamRo and HoHan sunning their lezzie flaps in Cabo. Not only is SamRo wearing a bikini, but it’s pink and looks like it came from f**king Sanrio. And you think you know someone! Next you’re going to tell me that she isn’t the one who wears the strap-on!
Here’s more of these two hipster gayelles in Mexico. How do you say gayelle in Spanish? Maricalley? I just made that up, so it’s probably really offensive or doesn’t make any f**king sense.
Why Is Chuck Bass The Only Dry One?
Penn Badgley and Chace Crawford look like they just got jizzed on by Ken Paves. It’s known that Paves cums pomade and weave glue. Chuck Bbutt is the only one who doesn’t look like he just washed his mop in Astroglide. Hmmm….what does this mean? Chuck Bbutt doesn’t sweat or maybe he likes it dry. Even if Chuck is into dry gulching, he’s still the hottest bisney of the three. The other two look like they don’t know their way around a no-no hole, but Chuck Bbutt looks like he wrote the book on the subject.
These three future-has-beens are on the cover of November’s Details and they talk about a bunch of boring sh*t. Click here to read the interview. Chace does bring up his struggle with gayface. He says: “Model turned actor, dime a dozen, eye candy, doesn’t know what he’s doing … and Perez Hilton says I have ‘gayface.’ So on top of everything else, I have to overcome gayface.”
You know what’s the easiest way to cover up gayface? BUKKAKE FACIAL!
P.S. – If you have to ask yourself if you have douchebag hair, then you probably do. I’m talking to you, Adnan Ghalib.
I Want A Lil’ Top Hat
It must be nice to be Dita Von Teese. You can sort of get away with wearing an extra homo top hat out in public. I want to wear one, but I wouldn’t make it halfway down the street without getting into several bisney slap fights with lil’ top hat haters. Besides, I would probably look like Mr. Peanut’s pre-op son that nobody ever talks about.
Dita wore this sh*t to some Patrick Demarchelier party in Paris last night. I’m pretty convinced that Dita is going to outlive us all. She’s some kind of super vampire who can function in the daylight. In 200 years, her and Larry King will be chilling out with the aliens and Parasite Hilton’s mutant crabs.
Here’s more of the ancient artifact in Paris last night. Lenny Kravitz also graced the event with his hotness, but he totally looks like Little Lord Fauntleroy transported to 1990s Seattle. I also threw in a few pictures of the po’ man’s Zooey Deschanel, Katy Perry.