Meet Dave
Eddie Murphy stars in this sci-fi comedy about a spaceship that looks like a normal human being and its crew of microscopic humanoids.
Dreamy’s Lullaby To Kate
Dreamboat Doherty posted this lovely video on his YouTube account and dedicated to the snagtoof of his life, Kate Moss. He sings some song called “Bohemian Love” while pictures of him and Kate flash on the screen. I swear, crackies love webcams and cameras. If you don’t know what to get your favorite crackhead for Christmas, get them a webcam. They will love you for it.
One of Dreamy’s scared wimps also makes an appearance at the 1:45 mark. Wimp looks so relaxed. It probably just had a hit from Dreamy’s pipe.
And here’s some pictures of Dreamboat at Glastonbury. Who the hell didn’t play Glastonbury?! Please tell me Samantha Fox is closing that stuff.
Because You Care
File this under: Yes, they are still alive! Paris Bennett, Carmen Rasmusen and Ruben Studdard from “American Idol” might not be busy making music, but they are busy doing something. In case you give a duck’s penis, here’s some news on these has-beens.
Paris Bennett (Season 5): The jesus-loving 19-year-old is knocked up with her first baby! Paris will pop out a girl this October and plans to name her Egypt. Egypt?! That baby is already doomed. I knew a ho named Egypt and her mommy really should have named her Cleopbitcha instead, because she was a mega pain. Hopefully, Princess P re-thinks that name. She should name her Toulouse instead. Paris & Toulouse!
Paris’ mommy confirmed the news, “This makes five generations. I’m proud of how she did it. I was 16 when I got pregnant.” Her mommy said that Paris is engaged to the baby daddy, but she wouldn’t say his name. It’s probably Clay Gayken’s. (AOL BV)
Carmen Rasumsen (Season 2): While performing in Branson, Missouri, Carmen announced to the audience that she was knocked up. Carmen said she and her husband are expecting a baby around Christmas Eve. She added, “Now we’re able to open up and talk about (God).” HUH?! Seriously, who is this bitch? I don’t even remember her! And she’s lying. It’s really Clay Gayken’s baby. (Reserve Branson)
Ruben Studdard (Season 2 winner): The Velvet Teddy Bear married Surata Zuri McCants yesterday in Birmingham, AL. Ruben was joined by 20 groomsmen. He’s probably pregnant too……with Clay Gayken’s baby, of course. (People)
That’s It?!
During Amy Wino’s tour de trainwreck performance at Glastonbury yesterday, she called Kanye West a “c*nt” during one of her songs. I refreshed his blog all night, hoping he would deliver another CAPS-filled rant. He did not do this. He posted this stuff instead. Hey, at least it’s in all CAPS. He didn’t disappoint me there. Hopefully, Kanye was so mad that he threw his MacBook Air out of the window while posting. Wait, do MacBook Airs fly? If they don’t, Apple needs to get on that.
Below is the video of Wino singing “I’m not openiiiing for a c*nt like Kaaaaaanyeeeeeee-aaa-eeeee.” It’s at the 2-minute mark. Bitches need to watch and learn. This is how you do it! This is how you entertain.
And here’s some pics of The Wino returning to her tomb at The Clinic after her performance.
A Royal Douche In Miami
Why the hell did KFed raid Queen Latifah’s closet. This dumb bitch looks like a bull dyke going to the beach. He’s covering up his moobs and his “gut over bagina.” And to think, there was a time when I’d let KFed piss in my ear. Not anymore! Okay, maybe after a few bong hits.
So… KFed traveled to Miami this weekend following his custody battle with Brit Brit. Don’t worry, London is taking care of SPF and JJ.
KFed partied at Mansion in South Beach where he danced the night away until 4am. One witness told People, “Kevin is a great dancer with some very complicated moves.” Complicated moves?! I’d hardly call the “cabbage patch” and “the running man” complicated dance moves.
Even though he was partying like a first-class douche, KFed had music on his mind. Yes, music.
A source told People that KFed is working on new material, “Kevin was in a great mood and even talked about a new song he is working on, called ‘Daddy’s Home.’ He has put a lot of time and effort into writing and rehearsing it, but says it is not quite ready yet.”
Daddy’s Homo is more like it. KFed should really quit while he’s ahead. He’s never going to top the hip-hop masterpiece known as “Popozao.”
The Rat’s Name Is Annie
Who done told on Raffey Follieri to the FBI?! According to his friends, Raffey’s ex-somethingoranother Anne Hathaway ratted him out to the feds. Why that cunning lil’ gayelle!
One of his friends told the NYDN, “She’s referred to as his former girlfriend in the indictment even though her spokesman never confirmed they broke up. I think that in return for her cooperation, the feds held off on arresting Follieri until she was out of the country.”
29-year-old (MY ASS) Raffey is still sitting in jail on million bial after he was arrested for messing with the Vatican by pretending to be their CFO to steal tons of cash from investors.
Well played, Annie. Although, she should have taken his credit cards for a little Home Depot shopping spree before she turned his Zach Braff wannabe ass over to the FBI.
Nereida Gallardo in a bikini = I hate you, Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo
Continuing International Soccer Stars and their Bikini-clad Ladies Week on The Superficial, I’m posting pics of Nereida Gallardo who’s vacationing in Sardinia with boyfriend Cristiano Ronaldo. These shots are from today, but I also added some from yesterday because, well, BIKINI. I bet you guys read this site while stroking your chins and thinking “Clearly, this man is a master wordsmith.” To which I say, please, I’m just a simple writer - with golden hands given to me by Zeus himself. Accurate anecdote.*
*AKA True story.
Lindsay Lohan’s dad may have fathered a love child
Lindsay Lohan might have a sister she never knew about it. Her father Michael Lohan reveals that he had a brief relationship with a woman while he was separated from Dina. Recently, the woman wrote him a letter that claims he’s the father of her child who’s now 13. While most respectable men like myself would’ve hightailed it to the Yukon, Michael is embracing the notion of a new daughter. And most likely planning his own reality show: “Thank God I Didn’t Wear a Condom Idol.” OK! Magazine reports:
In a statement to OK!, Michael says, “Years later [the woman] contacted me, convincing me that I was the only person she was with and that she had my child.”
In fact, OK! has seen letters Michael wrote to the girl’s mother where he says that his secret daughter “is beginning to look a lot like Linds, with a mix of [younger brother] Cody, believe it or not.” He also sent his daughter a photograph of himself while he was still in Collins Correctional Facility which he signed “Love Daddy.”
Nice, except the AP reports Michael hasn’t even gotten a paternity test yet, but he felt the need to write “Love Daddy” from prison. That’s not gonna fuck a kid up. Then again, look who I’m talking about. This guy’s not really batting a thousand in the fathering department, so we should be happy he hasn’t asked how she’s “developing” - using a scale from one to Lindsay.
Britney Spears & Kevin Federline are having a trial! YEAH! GET SOME!
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline met yesterday for a private mediation session in an effort to avoid bringing their custody battle to trial. It didn’t work. But, however, Kevin’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan spoke to E! News and says the talks were productive and both sides left happy. There was no mention of whether that involved giving Britney a Happy Meal:
“The mediation didn’t result in an agreement that would avoid the trial set in August… The mood was comfortable, positive and it was a mood that was consistent with opening at least a great dialogue, which is necessary.
“Kevin has had sole legal custody since January. He wants that to become the permanent order at trial, and the visitation to be consistent with what the court expanded it to this week.”
Of course, my sources tell me that part of the reason the talks failed is because Britney kept demanding “custardy.” “Custardy!” she’d cry. “I want custardy!” Realizing things weren’t going as planned on her Etch a Sketch, Britney switched to Plan B: Vadge in the eye. Everyone quickly turned in fear but not Kevin. No way. He wasn’t backing down this time. Not now, not ev - Jumpin’ Jesus it winked at him. SECURITY!
Amy Winehouse not completely looking like Death
Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and it looks like her stay did some good. For once she doesn’t look like warmed over shit in make-up. I’m not saying I’d want to “hit that,” but if it were suggested, I wouldn’t completely try to bludgeon my own penis. And speaking of male genitalia, scope out this excerpt from the latest Rolling Stone. Writer Claire Hoffman sat outside Amy Winehouse’s apartment and found herself invited in by Beehive Typhoid Mary:
“I’m on a strict put-weight-on diet. I love food. I’m just stressed out.” She returns from the kitchen with an oozing white-bread-and-banana sandwich, on which she sprinkles potato chips. She hands Nicole her laptop, which is caked in fingerprints and smudges, and asks her to show me the photographs of Winehouse and her husband making out, the two of them mugging for the camera like Mickey and Mallory, passing pills to each other with their tongues. Winehouse gets up for more food. Nicole continues the slide show, and suddenly the screen flashes Winehouse’s blurry face, taken from above with a phone in one hand and a gigantic penis in her mouth.
Wow. There’s a mental image for the ages. And, now, to answer your burning question “Why? Why would you do that!?”, the immortal words of Van Morrison (made famous by Rod Stewart):
Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there’s no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
take away all my sadness
ease my troubles that’s what you do
Best readers ever. That’s you guys. Stay in school.
