Johnny Depp For Trojan
Trojan condoms have offered Johnny Depp $10 million to be the “face” of their company. The Daily Star reports that they want Johnny to star in TV commercials for their Magnum range. Johnny has long been an advocate of safe sex eduction, so the company feels this is a perfect “fit.” They also want Johnny to help with their anti-AIDS campaign. Trojan plans to send free condoms to third world countries.
Trojan has reportedly thrown around the tagline, “Stand up with Johnny for safer sex.†Boo! It should be, “If if it’s big enough for Johnny, it’s big enough for you.”
A source close to Johnny claims he’s interested, “He’s very interested and he’s trying to figure out if he can fit it in.†Oh, it will only take a few seconds, Johnny. I’ll gladly help out in seeing if it fits. We can take pre-measurements using my mouth. It’s more accurate than a standard ruler.
This is a splendid idea. Johnny should also take part in a how-to video showing us all the correct way to put on a condom. Of course I know how, but I want to see it done the “Depp way.”
Brenda Walsh Lives!
Shannen Doherty hooked up with her “Charmed” co-star, Holly Marie Combs, for dinner last night. They spent the whole night trashing Alyssa Milano and making fun of her hairy arms. Shannen is wasting her time by having dinner with Holly. The person she should be having dinner with is Rob Thomas! Shannen needs to seduce her way into the 90210 remake. Brenda deserves a second chance.
Oh shit. Remember when Steve and Laura spread the rumor that Brenda slept with the director to get the lead role in “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof?” Shannen needs to make that rumor come true on Rob Thomas in order to get into the new 90210. The future of Brenda Walsh depends on it!
The Offers Keep Pouring In For Brit
Peta has reached out to Brit Brit Spears and offered her a job for one day at their offices. MSNBC’s The Scoop reports that Peta’s President was so impressed with Brit’s role as a receptionist on “How I Met Your Mother” that she wants her to be a Peta receptionist for just one hour. Does the one hour include the 3 15-minute smoke breaks Brit would need?
They wrote an open letter to Brit Brit and said, “from the inside, why we are so concerned about issues like fur and homeless dogs and cats. … We might have criticized you in the past for contributing to the dog overpopulation crisis and wearing real fur, but perhaps now that your own crisis has abated, a new day calls for a new relationship, a new outlook, and a new understanding.” They will donate $1,000 to a children’s charity of her choice should she take their offer.
This is a set-up! They just want to get Brit into their offices, so they can save the dead animal that’s been living on her head for these past months.
In other BS news, Daddy Spears wants her to stop making music and focus on TV. He believes a normal 9 to 5 job would keep her out of trouble. Page Six reports that he’s looking at several TV offers including a possible guest spot on “30 Rock.”
Daddy Spears is not thinking outside the box. It’s pretty easy to keep Brit busy. They should just give her a jumbo-sized bag of Funions and sit her in front of an optical illusion poster. You know those posters that if you stare at long enough, you’ll see flying dolphins and shit? She would be there for days.
Image:Splash
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
My prayers has been answered! Well, sort of…. Yesterday, I begged for video of Paris Hilton falling on her face in Prague. There’s still no video yet, but here’s some pictures. Hag is on the floor where she belongs! I’m sure even Benji Madden couldn’t hold back his laughter.
It also looks like Benji almost kicked her in the wonk. That would have been double awesome. I think I would have exploded like a gay pinata. That doesn’t make sense, because all pinatas are gay.
YES! There’s finally a reason to go on.
Janice Dickinson, holy crap, that's gotta stop
Dearest Jan-Jan,
Before we begin, I’d like to commend you on your efforts entertaining our troops during the Second World War. At the ripe young age of 40, you gave our boys something to live for as they fought to stop Hitler from finding Jesus’ cup in that tomb with the knight who was like super old. Anyway, those glory days are long gone. When you reach the triple digits, it’s time to retire the bikini. How do I put this delicately? Your ass looks like E.T.’s stomach - but more Play-Doh-y. So Play-Doh-y, in fact, that I’m about ready to bust out my Spaghetti Factory. I like to make the stars!
Godspeed,
The Superficial Writer
Dina Lohan is a sack of stupid
Dina Lohan started filming her new reality show Living Lohan and would have us believe her daily schedule consists of interrupting dance classes in the middle of Harlem. Riight. She, of course, does this while towing around her 14-year-old daughter Ali and her grandmother - allegedly. Poor woman probably was taken from a nursing home screaming “The orange devil’s got me!” Which isn’t far off considering Dina’s days really involve eating infants then beating up homeless guys for change.
Thanks to Ashley who would provide a safe and fire-crotch-free home for Grandma Lohan. In exchange for snickerdoodles.
Sophie Monk is all kinds of leggy
I can understand how Benji Madden managed to score Paris Hilton. I’m not going to get into specifics but, it’s because she has herpes. So how in the hell did he score a woman like Sophie Monk? She’s looking pretty damn hot while shopping in LA over the weekend. Maybe Sophie was on a year long drinking binge while she was with Benji, I dunno. But if she ever wants to fall off the wagon, holla at your boy. I’ll bring the homemade booze. What’s your preference, baby? Pine-Sol Colada or Lemon Fresh Pledge-arita?
Heath Ledger might have another kid out there
Surprise! Heath Ledger might have fathered a love child. His uncle broke the news to The Daily Telegraph which will undoubtedly make the estate bickering even more of a fucking fiasco:
Ledger was a 17-year-old schoolboy when he had an affair with an older woman who is thought to have only discovered she was pregnant after their relationship ended. The woman was living with another man at the time of the alleged affair.
Yesterday, Ledger’s uncle, Hadyn Ledger said: “There is a very real possibility that Heath was the father.”
Man, I wish I had a love child. A new one, that is. I’m getting kind of bored with the 203* I currently have. Also none of them refuse to engage me in armed combat. I even taped daggers to their bottles but, still, no dice. Wait. Can a three-year-old shoot a crossbow? Nah, the flaming arrow would throw off his aim. Or would it…
*Give or take 203.
Kim Kardashian to Larry King: Playboy is 'inspirational'
Kim Kardashian and her rag-tag bunch of family members stopped by Larry King Live on Friday. After getting peppered by Barbara Walters about her sex tape, Kim was ready for another awkward discussion about her nudity with the surprisingly alive. This time Larry brought up the topic of her shoot for Playboy. Kim said a bunch of words about something or rather, I dunno. I was too busy staring at the video of her getting ready for the shoot. Then things kind of went black for a while. I blame the fall into the next cubicle when I tried to mount my monitor. I should invest in some handlebars. I mean, I can’t keep doing this 10-30 times a day - before lunch.
Thanks to Lindsey who isn’t afraid to say Larry’s suspenders are sexy. Hell yeah!
Kathie Lee Is Back!
My favorite daytime call girl, Kathie Lee Gifford, is returning to television! The rumors are true. Kathie Lee Gifford will host th 4th hour of “Today” beginning April 7th. Kathie Lee will co-host with Hoda Kotb.
Kathie Lee said, “It’s going to be a new experience because this time it’s with a girlfriend. Regis was like a bad little brother all those years. A much older brother. He looks good for his age!â€
Today’s executive producer told reporters today, “She is a morning television icon and is on a short list of personalities known by her first name alone. We are looking forward to her signature warmth and sense of humor in the fourth hour. Her addition to the TODAY family makes us stronger than ever, and she and Hoda will continue the TODAY tradition of smart, topical and fun morning television.â€
YES! A huge part of me has been empty, because Kathie Lee has not been there to fill me in on Cody’s daily activies. That was the best part of watching Kathie Lee on morning television. The woman would show up dressed like a call girl and then she would go on and on about her kids. “Oh Cody, ate cereal today! Oh Cody, shit in his pants today. Oh Cody, called me a frigid bitch today!” Good stuff.
Source: Today