The CAPTION THIS Contest For February 29th!!!
Broadway Has Gone To The Rats!
UsWeekly reports that Nicole Richie is considering moving her entire family to NYC to perform on the Great White Way. Nicole is in talks to play the role of Roxie Hart in “Chicago.” This isn’t Nicole’s first try at Broadway. She auditioned for a role in “Rent” a few years ago, but got turned down.
A source said, “It would give her a reason to really show her talent and to stay in the new place in NY Joel just got. It also shows people are really excited about Nicole right now.” Who are these people that are excited about Nicole right now? Show them to me, because I’d like to kick them in the knees.
Nicole Richie would join a long list of no-talent skeezas who have already performed in the show. Asshole Simpson, Kelly Osbourne, Lisa Rinna, Melanie Griffith, Robin Givens and Rita Wilson have all performed in it at one time or another. I hear Melanie was particularly painful.
Let’s see…give the role to someone who has actually worked their whole life for this or give it to someone who is famous for being the best friend of the world’s most famous hooker? That’s a tough one. The sad part is, I’d probably pay to see her. Well, I like seeing people fail. It’s the best temporary cure for low self-esteem!
Somewhere In The World There's A Sad Aardvark Missing His Glasses
Dear MK Olsen,
Arthur the aardvark would really love his glasses back. He can’t see and that’s not right. He doesn’t appreciate you stealing them and running off to Paris. Trolls and aardvarks can be friends, but you have to return his glasses first.
xoxoThe Other MK
Here’s MK at the Giambattista Valli show in Paris yesterday and with Ash at the Chanel show today. The dude sitting with MK (Lapo Elkann) is freaky fine.
A Whole Lotta Crack Dough
Amy Winehouse has been offered $1 million to perform one-time at a Louis Vuitton event during Paris fashion week. Amy will travel to Paris today via private jet for her performance. They must be a fan of the heroin shimmy shake.
A source said, “Louis Vuitton are huge fans of Amy and think she’ll be the perfect performer during their show, which is one of the most anticipated throughout the week. It’s a lot of money but they know she’ll be worth it.â€
Louis Vuitton may love her, but Wino was voted the “Worst Dressed” at the NME Awards last night in London.
I’m sure Wino will put the 1 million clams to good use. At least her Blake Incarcerated won’t have to trade signed autographs of her for baggies of heroin anymore. He can use cold hard cash from now on and look like a real players.
Here’s Wino moving houses yesterday. Blake II was also around giving the same tired Virgin Mary head tilt. He always looks like he a couple of pills away from ending it all. Cheer up Blake II! You’re Wino’s best pal. Ok, he does have reason to be eternally depressed.
Kim Kardashian helps the homeless
Kim Kardashian gave a homeless man $20 outside the Gucci store yesterday. This would’ve been a nice humanitarian moment if, after the cameras were off, Kim didn’t smother the man to death with her monster rack and take back the $20. The dude didn’t mind though. He was going to drive his wheelchair onto the freeway anyway and prove the government’s listening to our cereal. Rest in peace, Joe “Sugar Smacks” Tate. You died a hero’s death.
Britney Spears' pregnancy rumors continue
The Britney Spears’ pregnancy rumors continue. Earlier in the week it was Star, now it’s Life & Style. No doubt the two have formed an alliance to grip the country in fear. An eyewitness for Life & Style claims Britney looks “totally pregnant.” (Direct quote. I shit you not.) However, if Britney isn’t pregnant it’s not for lack of trying with Adnan Ghalib:
“Britney’s still having sex with him,†an insider tells Life & Style. And Jamie, who has moved in with Britney to oversee her recovery, “can’t stand it,†says the insider. “He hates when Adnan comes over and the two of them disappear for a few hours. He knows they’re having sex. But Adnan makes Britney happy.â€
Feel free to scope out the pics of the Brit-belly from last night. Does she like pregnant? I dunno. However I included some shots of Britney earlier in the day hauling around her daily giant Frappucino which is probably the cause of all this speculation. I don’t see why all these magazines want her to be pregnant anyway. It’s kind of sick really. That’s like hoping Michael Jackson is allowed to start his own day care. I mean, yeah, it’ll be adorable at first. But sooner or later somebody’s kid is getting run over by a giraffe. Which will suck after a rough night of Jesus Juice. In the meantime, Sean and Jayden can only dream of such a paradise.
Olsen Twins asked to pose for Playboy
Hugh Hefner wants the Olsen twins to pose nude for Playboy. Looking at these pictures from God knows when, (Are those two ever together anymore?) I’m now thoroughly convinced that old Hugh is blind as hell. Star has the details:
After striking out when the twins turned 18, Hugh tried again, hoping they would pose for Playboy’s June issue to mark their 22nd birthday.
“Hef thinks the twins are every young man’s fantasy,” an insider tells Star.
Yes, the Olsen twins really are every young man’s fantasy. You’ve truly got your finger on the pulse of today’s youth, Hugh Hefner. There’s nothing my generation wants to do more than open up an issue of Playboy and immediately want to masturbate with a cheese grater. I mean, seriously? Who spilled the beans?
Thanks to Paul for the tip who, thankfully, doesn’t have a wombat twin.
Jamie Lynn Spears was an accident
Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears’ uncle William Spears is all about airing the family’s dirty laundry. Apparently Jamie Lynn herself was an accident just like the child in her belly that may or may not be Casey Aldridge’s. Jamie Spears had a vasectomy after Britney was born, but yet somehow Lynne ended up pregnant. The Sun reports:
He said: “Jamie got awfully mad. He said it couldn’t be his.” Williams alleges Jamie demanded a DNA test, that eventually proved he was the baby’s biological father.
He added: “That’s why they named her Jamie Lynn, to kind of make the point that she was from both of them.”
Ha! What an amazing way to name your child. I can just imagine how that conversation went with Jamie Lynn: Daddy, where did my name come from? Well, you see, sweetie, Daddy only wanted two kids so he had his balls snipped. See the scar? Well, since God is a sick bastard, somehow your mommy got knocked up. Now I’ve always suspected she’s a cheap whore and didn’t believe it was mine. But stupid science proved me wrong, so we decided, shit, we’re stuck with you, why not pick a name that reminds us of how much I distrust that fucking shrew of a woman and wish she’d die in her sleep. The end. Sleep tight, my little princess. Smooches!
New Iron Man Trailer
As much I find Iron Man and his glib alter ego Tony Stark to be intolerable characters, I have to admit that Jon Favreau looks to have made a decent adaptation of the source material. And with a non-stop barrage of hard rock (AC/DC, Audioslave, Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man”, of course), constant alcohol imbibing, and the flagrant use of sports cars as backdrops, Iron Man looks to be the first superhero movie to fully capture the sensibilities of Maxim Magazine. Continue Reading »
Prince Harry gets screwed by Drudge Report
Matt Drudge broke the news that Prince Harry was currently serving in Afghanistan. Prince Harry was really stoked to be fighting terrorists and thought it would honor his mom’s memory. Well, now he’s getting brought home because of the media coverage. I’m sure Prince Harry can’t wait to thank Matt Drudge with a grenade to the nuts. The AP reports:
He was originally due to return to Britain within weeks, but “the situation has now clearly changed,” the statement said. The decision was based on concerns that worldwide media coverage of Harry in Afghanistan could put him and his comrades at increased risk.
The ministry asked the media not to speculate on Harry’s location — or how and when he would return — until he was back in Britain.
I’m not even going to get political because this site is all about boobs and my wang firing laser beams. *ZAP* Take that, empty soda can on Frank the intern’s head! Anyway, I think it’s pretty cool that a celebrity wanted to actually put his life on the line and be a soldier. I’d like to see more of them take that initiative. In fact, the government should form a special platoon consisting of Criss Angel, Ashton Kutcher, Milo Ventimiglia (Don’t worry. I’ll keep an eye on Hayden.), Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Their mission: I could care less as long they test land mines with their faces. Watch out, Al Qaeda, the Dipshit Brigade is on the prowl!