Scarlett Johannson will date you for charity (Pity sex not included)

Scarlett Johannson could be yours for an entire evening. Provided you have a buttload of cash and win a charity auction on eBay. Scarlett goes up for bidding on Sunday, so start digging in those couch cushions. You’ll get a chance to help the needy and possibly see some ScarJo cleavage. It reminds me of that passage in the Bible about caring for others: “And so Jesus said to Thomas, ‘Dude, I totally need to touch that chick at the well’s cones. Go get me a blind dude to heal. STAT. For real, that move is guaranteed to get me to No-Pants-rusalem.’ And Thomas did as the Lord commandeth thus securing his heavenly position of righteous wing-man.” 2 Superficialonians 5:19 (KJV).