The US Open Halftime Show Brought To You By Jersey Shore
These two clips should be used in advertising for the US Open, because this is the only reason to buy a ticket. At a US Open match last night, the audience was woken up from their open-eyed naps when a douchebag (who probably has a nickname like The P.T. aka The Pussy Tamer) and a lady with her bra straps showing exchanged a brawl of words. Now this is a f**king tennis match.
Apparently, the baby dick bag was throwing around the beautiful f**k word and homegirl wasn’t loving it so she got up to give him a piece. If you mute the video above and play any fight scene from Jersey Shore on your TV, that’s probably what it really sounded like. The phrases “Yoooz have no respect” and “f**k yooz, you fat hippah” were probably used a few times.
At the beginning of the video, I started to give all my points to the douchebag, because we all know that I’m a major supporter for the right to spew the f**k word. But then I quickly shifted my love to homegirl when she slapped the f**k word right out of his mouth!
The fight ended the way all fights should end, a slow moving old fat dude tackled the young dickhead and the two went row surfing. Deadspin says that all 3 were arrested and later released. No word yet if the three will be giving an encore performance this weekend, but standby!
And yes, I’d hit it, but ole’ girl already beat me to it.
Prince Hot Ginge: Horse Abuser?!
Prince Hot Ginge, the light of my everything, is receiving a load of hate from animal welfare organizations in the UK after this picture of him playing polo on an injured horse surfaced a few days ago. No, the horse did not suffer third degree burns from the fiery inferno of ecstasy that is Prince Hot Ginge’s crotch. It was cut up in the side by his spurs! SJP weeps.
The Daily Mail says that during a match in July, PHG’s horse suffered shank marks after he continually kicked the pony with his spurs. A witness says that he kept on playing while his poor horse bled, but a rep for St. James Palace claims he stopped hitting balls as soon as he spotted the injury. Players who overuse their spurs could receive a fine of up to £50,000. They will also receive a SADS look from their horse, which is THE WORST PUNISHMENT OF ALL.
Andrew Tyler of Animal Aid had this to say to the Daily Mail about PHG’s alleged horse abuse. “Polo is a very rough activity that causes stress and injuries to horses. The use of spurs in such a fast-moving event is a vicious indulgence. Spurs are unnecessary for a competent rider and should not be used to punish a horse for the rider’s failure to gain advantage. Prince Harry comes from a background of hunting and shooting which is at odds with the vast majority of the British public.” Other animal charities called him “cruel.”
PHG and Prince William recently mourned the loss of their beloved polo horse Drizzle when she got sick during a game and pbutted away.
There’s only one solution to this problem. The tortured horses must stop being abused, and Prince Hot Ginge must continue to play polo since it makes his nipple holes smack together in happiness. So I’m going to grab two beers from the cooler, open the emergency exit door and do the “I QUIT THIS bisney” slide which will launch me over to England. Then I will grab the saddle off of PHG’s pony and takes its place. It will be hard (ooooh, it will be hard), but it’s the only way. Yes, I will lose every single match. And yes, I will sprain my neck from turning around to try to lick on PHG during the game, but it’s a small price to pay. FREE THE HORSES (and free my no-no)!!!!
Speaking Of Smug Bitches….
YES! You know, I was a little worried for Elisabetta Canalis for a quick second after seeing pictures of her forecasting her inevitable demise as George Clooney’s #1 anus plumper. But Elisabetta must have made George’s peen lips pucker since then, because her side-eye of worry is gone and has been replaced with her usual beautiful smug as f**k face.
As George signed autographs outside of Ago restaurant in L.A. last night, Elisabetta stood by and threw up her twin coke portals at the “UGLY JELIZZ FAT-PUSSIED NASTEE HATERZ” (her words, probably) who keep trying to push her out of the way. Elisabetta is almost making me say, “Sarah Larson WHO?!”
This picture is one of my favorites:
I don’t know what’s funnier. That someone is asking Elisabetta for her autograph. (Wait, maybe those are her walking papers. Or maybe he thinks she’s Steven Tyler.). Or that Elisabetta is giving him some shade to sit under. Okay, I can finally type this with confidence: Sarah Larson WHO?!
The Smug "Yup, I’m On This Dick" Face
At the opening of Kat Von D’s new gallery in West Hollywood last night, Vanilla Gorilla looked like he had just opened his eyes after being pbutted out for days in the backseat of an Impala from a beer and whippit binge. And Kat Von D was as smug as White Oprah licking on a Fudgie the Whale cake. So this could mean only one thing: THEY’RE IN LOVE! Pop your warts and let the pus flow in celebration of this free clinic-approved union!
The original Bombshell McGross has probably been crawling up Vanilla Gorila’s leg to get to his dick for years, so of course she’s gushing from every open orifice about how he’s “the one” and how they truly belong together. bisney is right. These two are written in the sars (don’t you dare take a red Sharpie to that typo).
Sounding like a 13-year-old girl who is trying to sound like a grown butt woman, Kat told People last night:
On how she keeps count of all her boyfriends: “Jesse is only my ninth boyfriend. I don’t hang out with anybody unless I am in love.”
On when she realized she wanted to take a ride on Vanilla Gorilla’s leather couch of slut jizz: “Was it when we were playing Scrabble? I don’t remember. But it was something like that – when we both realized how nerdy we were.”
On Vanilla Gorilla’s divorce from Sandra Bullock: “I stayed away from that as much as possible, and when we connected recently, it was such a positive thing. It was just like, ‘Wow, I can’t believe I haven’t spent this much time with you the entire time I’ve known you.’ Now I’m just embracing it and enjoying it.”
Playing Scrabble? bisneyes are really trying to sound like two wholesome teenagers circa 1960. Yeah, I’m sure when Vanilla Gorilla played “endlosung” it just sent a warm tingle to Kat’s heart strings.
The best part is that when People asked Vanilla Gorilla if he was happy, he grunted out a “Yeah.” And you know he farted on mute at the same time too.
It’s always nice when a hongray crack house rat finally finds a piece of maggot-ridden cheese to nibble on, so good for them. But maybe Kat Von D can take a few moments out from humping Vanilla Gorilla’s jock to go find a wig that doesn’t make her look like a biker bar hooker version of Lily Munster. That gutter butt wig was made to be snatched and donated to a family of rodents that need a home. And while Kat is doing that, maybe she can get Vanilla Gorilla’s stupid butt an outfit that doesn’t make him look like a vato abuelito who is doing it all wrong.
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 2nd!
It took a while, but Kelly finally found a way to get John to work off those extra pounds. – angel_i
Runners-up:
Bidickle. – El Bastardo
Not since Brad Pitt, has a misused dick been so securely locked up while attached to a skinny frame. – jazzfish_77
You can always tell when George Michael has lost his drivers license again. – zomay</span
via Break
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Tiffany Derry from Top Chef D.C.
Tiffany color coordinates her hat with her earrings with her dress and this is always the key to an impeccable fashion sense. Point one. Tiffany also started her gourmet culinary career at the age of 15 at the Michelin-starred IHOP. Point two. Tiffany was the Norma Rae of her IHOP because she successfully battled management’s “No women in the kitchen” policy and became the first lady cook there. Point three. Tiffany also shattered more records at her local IHOP when she was promoted to management at the age of 17, making her the youngest manager in history. Point four. Tiffany is one of the only Top Chef contestants that doesn’t force me to run to Google (to look up “concbutte” and fancy sh*t like that) when she explains her dish. Point five. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that Tiffany is the Velveeta foam on top of my seared Hot Pocket.
Birthday Sluts
Shaun White (24)
Garrett Hedlund (26)
Fearne Cotton (29)
Jennifer Paige (37)
Charlie Sheen (45)
Adam Curry (46)
Amber Lynn (47)
Costas Mandylor (48)
Steve Jones of The Sex Pistols (55)
Valerie Perrine (67)
Al Jardine of The Beach Boys (68)
Eileen Brennan (78)
Mel Gibson’s Ex Wants 10x More Child Support
“Or perhaps ten times the blow me? Eh? Sleep on it.”
Now that she’s run out of hilarious phone calls to sell, Oksana Grigorieva has requested the judge increase Mel Gibson’s child support payments from $5,000 to more than $40,000, according to TMZ:
Mel currently pays Oksana the tidy sum of $5,000 a month in child Read More …
Kat Von D & Jesse James Are Ready to Flaunt Now
Less than six months after Sandra Bullock very publicly learned Jesse James was banging what’s left of Hitler’s secret stripper battalion behind her back, here he is with Kat Von D at the opening of her Wonderland gallery in West Hollywood last night because they fell in love playing Scrabble and now she wants to Read More …
Lindsay Lohan Hit a Baby
Whoever thought it’d be a good idea to give Lindsay Lohan her license back has to be kicking themselves this morning – buttuming they even have a soul and/or a capacity for logic (Jury’s out.) – because just slightly over a week after being released from rehab, she’s already hopped behind the wheel of a Read More …
