Current News Buzz

So far (and according to the media), Demi Moore’s medical file reads like that of a high school butthole whose idea of a good time is huffing from gas tanks before fingering his girlfriend in the bathroom of a Hardee’s during his break. Because Demi apparently gets hungry for the sweet nectar, whip-its, Adderall AND Red Bull. TMZ is hearing that long before Demi whipped her way to a seizure, she ate Red Bull for breakfast, Red Bull for lunch and Red Bull for dinner. For 10 years, Demi has been obsessively riding the Red Bull daily, but some source says that in the past few weeks she’s been replacing food with Red Bull. I think I speak for buttStain Kutcher and all of the Willis daughters when I say, MOM, you’re embarrbutting me!

Someone from Red Bull tells TMZ that Demi is so hard up for that nasty sh*t that they regularly deliver shipments to her home. A different source says that when Demi was partying it up with Tater Head recently, she kept booze out of her mouth, but kept her tongue in a Red Bull all night long.

Red Bull, really, Demi? RED? BULL? The period blood of an actual bull probably tastes better than Red Bull. You know when you’re making out with some nasty drunk and he burps out a vomit-infused burp cloud into your mouth? That’s what Red Bull tastes like. I wouldn’t be giving Demi sh*t if TMZ says she was addicted to underground Four Loko, or if she was caught buying homemade PURPLE DRANK from Brit Brit’s Cheetolings in the back room of their playhouse. But I just can’t with her Red Bull addiction. What’s next? We’re going to see Demi on an episode of True Life: I’m Addicted to XBox360? I bet Demi’s bedroom windows are covered in tinfoil and she uses Transformers bed sheets as curtains.

I’m sad that nobody told Demi that the adult way of handling a divorce from a total douchebag is to f**k the pain away. When you’re down and out, let the teaches of Peaches guide you.

The term BOLD bisney has just been redefined, so update your dictionaries. Susanna Barrett, a pageant mom who’s been on Toddlers & Tiaras before, has thrown a $30 million lawsuit at TMZ, The Huffington Post and the greatest news source in every universe The Daily Mail for sexualizing her 5-year-old daughter Isabella by posting a video of Isabella singing to LMFAO’s “I’m Sexy And I Know It” at a club in NYC. Somebody hand me a bedazzled Kleenex, because a pristine tear of happiness slides down my cheek every time a mother pushes blame on another trick to get a quick check out of it. The Pimp Mama Kris Effect is a beautiful thing.

MSNBC says that in the lawsuit filed in NYC on Tuesday, Susanna claims that the video (seen above in all of its terrifying animatronic glory) is the epitome of G-rated innocence and the media turned it into a piece of illegal sucioness by writing sh*t like “gyrating in a nightclub and singing about her sex appeal” to describe Isabella’s performance.

“(Isabella) did not understand the concept of sex, let alone ‘sex appeal’ and could not have been singing about her own sex appeal. It is the defendants who, through their articles, have thrust these false and vulgar characteristics on to Isabella. As a result, Isabella is now perceived sexually, erotically and pornographically, and (the stories) have placed Isabella in serious physical danger, attracting the attention of others who would seek to sexualize a child.”

I’ve pulled the Lawyer career card at least three times during the Game of Life and this makes me an expert at law sh*t, so you can trust me when I say that all of that legal talk translates into: “If anybody’s going to make a dollar by sexualizing Isabella, it’s going to be Susanna Barrett and Susanna Barrett only! Now empty your fanny pack, Harvey!“

Isabella is the same girl who looked into the camera and said that her 3-year-old arch rival Paisley Dickey (NO COMMENT) dresses like a hooker. So not only should Paisley Dickey (again, NO COMMENT) throw a lawsuit at Isabella for hookerizing her by calling her a wannabe hooker, but White Oprah should also file a lawsuit against every single media outlet for crackieizing her innocent daughter by posting picture after picture of her behaving like a complete cracked out crackhead mess.

Robert Hegyes, mostly known for playing Sweathog Epstein on Welcome Back, Kotter, is entertaining the angels with his Chico Marx impersonation this morning, because he pbutted away of cardiac arrest at a hospital in New Jersey yesterday. Robert was only 60. John Travolta, this is your cue to take that dead papillon off of your head, put on an afro wig and mourn the loss of your TV friend.

Newsday says that Robert was in a bad way for a long time and he was taken to JFK Medical Center in Edison, NJ after he started complaining about chest pains. Those chest pains turned out to be a full cardiac arrest and Robert died at the hospital shortly after.

Robert was born and raised in New Jersey and started his acting career by doing theater in NYC. A quick second later, Robert got cast in Welcome Back, Kotter and the rest is Nick at Nite history! Robert later retired from acting and spent his time teaching and writing screenplays.

Rest in peace, Epstein. Your legacy will live on when the Welcome Back, Kotter movie FINALLY gets made with Phoebe Price in the role of lead extra.

Signed by, Epstein’s mother

“Well, If I cant have a long black ding dong in my mouth, might has well build one on my head, stare at it and dream!” - onetakenfreak

Runners-up:

Ugh, he even makes his eyebrows lift weights. – daisy100

Right before this pic was taken you could hear Eva Longoria giggle “he’s had WAY more ding dongs at once than that”… - jack-n-the-hat

No f**kin’ wonder Twinkies are almost out of production with advertisements like this! Nobody wants to lick a Twinkie that’s been face raped by 6 Ding Dongs! – Jalapena

Source: Poison Paradise via WOW Report

Ilona Royce Smithkin, cabaret performer, style icon and eyelash artiste! The Today Show yesterday put on a fashion show starring the seasoned and well-aged beauties of Advanced Style, a blog devoted to the glamour of memaw goddesses, and my eyelashes pretty much singed down to their roots (yes, I’ve got beady beads for eyelashes now and I don’t mind) when Ilona glided out looking like a fiery ginger rhinestone of perfection. At 91, Ilona would rather burn the sidewalks of NYC up with her ginger lashes than nibble on caramel squares while watching old episodes of Father Dowling on Beta tapes. That sh*t ain’t for Ilona, because she has too much glamour to give.

I know you’re buttuming that Ilona’s eyelids naturally gave birth to those luscious ginger hair waves, but Ilona actually makes them herself from the hair on her own head. Lashweaves aren’t exactly a new thing, but Ilona has taken it to a new level by using the tools of beauty Mother Nature has given her. Every time Ilona blinks, it’s like the sun itself is waving at you.

The world needs more 91-year-old glamour memaws who are a touch of Vivienne Westwood, a dash of Shirley MacLaine and a pinch of Chicken Cutlets in one fiery ball. Slip on your heatproof safety glbuttes and get some of this.

Mike Patton (44)
Daisy Lowe (23)
Lily Donaldson (25)
Rosamund Pike (33)
Jake Pavelka (34)
Josh Randall (40)
Lil Jon (41)
Marc Forster (43)
Patton Oswalt (43)
Tricky (44)
Alan Cumming (47)
Bridget Fonda (48)
Narciso Rodriguez (51)
Keith Olbermann (53)
Frank Miller (55)
Mimi Rogers (56)
Mikhail Baryshnikov (64)
James Cromwell (72)